This is lifting majohnie up part two.
I am sure you must have forgotten this Lifting Majonnie up up story. I also had forgotten it had it not for Bountiful Safaris Safaris who are offering incredible Easter offers and among the destinations they have offers for, there are chances of meeting. Theuri and I have made an Easter booking one and I hope not to lift one up up ever again. (You can visit http://www.bountifulsafaris.com For more information)
To remind you small about this story, there was this persons who had refused to put it on head for me piu piu despite trying all tricks on earth. Buying dogogio until she refused to know herself but where. I was only now remaining to take her to Bishop Helicopter to have her name checked if its written in the book of life.
The other thing I had not done was to take her out of town. And like I have telled you before, there is one guaranteed way of making a persons put thuruari on head: take her out of town, far from where she can take a taxi home and as long as it’s a place she will have fun. Don’t take a persons to Ngarua where people refuse to know or Kimende. Talk to bountiful Safaris if the only place you know out of town is Warufaga gwa Kiongo.
After buying her that fridge of air on that Saturday morning to spice up the 180 angle, we set out on our journey until Nanyuki. Theuri, Akuku, mpesa and two other guys and persons for each of us.
It is this us, until Sportsman’s Arms where the most notable revelers are Majonnies.
For those who don’t know Majonnie, these are United Kingdom’s version of KDF.
As part of the training and to make them more badass, every year, The queen of England sends several thousand to harness their killer instinct in this beloved country. Once once, upon slightly provoked, they harness their killing instincts on poor bar patrons in this bar.
Where we satted upstairs, it is only us, our persons, trappers and waiters that were black, the rest were all majonnies and a few other Europeans who owns all land in Laikipia. Any other matafaka sits downstairs. Upstairs is usually reserved for Europeans, white landowners of Nanyuki, Majonnies, trappers and those who have death wish. We didn’t have any death wish, we just didn’t know. That’s why we sat upstairs.
Groups and groups of them were coming in, all sober and minding their business. As time went by and as dogogio ate them little by little, they started being unruly, calling every trapper in there and sometimes confusing our persons for trappers. Our persons would look them bad and throw saliva out, though in their hearts, they were wishing we weren’t there they get climbed by Majonnies and move to Europe when Majonnie returns. This was even confirmed when another Majonie song singed for them by an Oga lady was played by the DJ, coz all the persons we were with stooded up to sing along
“I’m looking for Majohnny Where is Majohnny? Jonny come jonny com”
But they were playing double standard because when Majonny stooded up to dance with them, they would sit down.
When their advances were rejected by the persons we were, they were refusing to know how persons were rejecting them.
So, when they would be reject, they would talk in English of nose which I don’t hear even small unless they type subtitles. The only few words I would hear was like “cock sucker” “bitch” “motherfucker” “cunt”
Theuri and I would abuse them back in the same measure.
Small, almost deliberately, one Johnie whose ancestors were Chineese based on his facial features falled on my drink and it all poured on table.
Refusing to know how he does that to a leader, I stood up and lifted him up up and dragged him down the stairs in full speed. He was only landing with toes.
When mid journey of dragging him, it is then that it occurred to me that I was dragging a queen’s army, a guy trained to fight ISIS for all his life and a good student of Bruce Lee.
Head returned to normal small and realized that I should not have even dreamed of lifting him up up in the first place. One of those moments you realize you have just made a very very wrong decision like JAP where either way, you are fucked. One foot is on the banana peel and one foot on the grave. You refuse to know if to continue with lifting Johnie up up and end up with broken ribs or you drop him and still end up with broken ribs. Either way, you are still fucked.
Head telled me to drop him and lost for my life. Looking back, two Jonnies were following running to rescue their colleague. On the other side, trappers of sportsman’s arms were cheering me as if what I was doing something that was going to earn me a gold medal.
Theuri and my group did not leave their seats. They continued to drink as if no Jonnie had been lifted up.
With the moral support I was getting from the trappers, I lifted him higher and dragged him until end of stairs.
When I dropped him, I started to count how many more seconds I had to live without broken ribs because that was imminent.
He remained still, not reacting even small as if he had not been liften up up. He appeared like he had refused to believe even in dream that a mere stomached man had lifted him up up without fearing to be broken all bones.
In his head, he was saying, if I know one jab would be enough to make me refuse to know myself piu piu. This was the first time ever a reveler had even dared to lift a Johnie up
When I saw he was about to start believing that indeed he had been lifted up, I removed my phone and pretended to make a call to police.
If there are anything Jonnies fears, it is Kenyan police. I hear if a complain is made against them, the case is taken over by their military police where they see news. There is nothing as feared in their barrack as military police. When they sin, they are telled in loud voice
“You puke, I’m gonna tear you a new asshole. Get on your knees scumbag”
None of them like the experience of military police.
So, I lifted phone and telled them
“I am calling the police. The OCPD is my friend, you will see what you have never seen”
When I saw the fear registered in their faces, I continued
“Do you know who I am? Do you know the Army commander is my brother!, he will personally come here. You will see and refuse to know niggas”
Their Jonnies colleagues came and begged for peace. They begged and begged and saided I be given 5 of what I was taking. We resolved the matter.
But the experience made me shook bells so much that I did not return upstairs immediately.
After fear was removed piu piu I returned until upstairs.
As time went by, they started to leave one by one until only a few remained. Among those that remained was the one I had lifted up
Small, the one I had lifted up up with two others started to abuse me but this time, I did not return even one abuse.
The confidence in him telled me he was no longer afraid of being telled “On yo knees puke” by their military police and he no longer feared my army commander brother. All he wanted was to break my few of my bones. I just bended my head as if nothing was happening, though I was shaking even pancrease. He was waiting for me to return so that I see what KDF of UK is made of.
Theuri in small voice telled me in ear
“Gaikie ngundi ya inioro aya angi maingirira naithui tuingirire” (throw him a jab on his nose, if others enters, we also enter)
I bended my head more.
He continued to call me a bitch etc and showing me middle finger almost inserting the finger on my nose. When I looked up small and saw his chineese features again, reminding me of Bruce Lee and Jackie chan’s skills, head telled me to even pretend I had slept on the table. Even if I am beaten slap, I assume I was not beaten. Another of them, not Chineese but a huge European with tattoos all over looked like a matafaka who can climb each of us kwa nyeni, drink all our beers and do so with a smile on his face.
He continued middle fingering salute, and twice, he literally inserted on my nose. I remained still like a rained chicken.
The trappers who were earlier giving me moral support now turned againt me and started to give Majonnie moral suport. One saided in loud voice
“I ndukumarumaga tene. Kai thaa ici utararia?” (You were abusing them before, why are you not talking now)
As the trappers taunted me and Jonie harassed me, I overheard one trapper say
“niui last weekend nimaroragire kairetu na gutiri kundu matwariruo” (Last weekend they killed a trapper here and they were taken nowhere).
There there, one of my bells returned to stomach and josto shrunk and returned same size as it was when I was 5 years old.
One by one, Theuri and all others losted until room, leaving me and my persons.
All this while, I remained with my head bowed down like a rained chicken for fear if I looked at them, their killer instincts would be activated.
When all Johnies and any other white element in that hotel left, I got up and saided in loud but shaking voice “Ita kamundu kau wone uria ngugeka. Niui tugithomera black belt, tweriruo ndukanahure mundu mureu. No iu ni matuika too much” (Where is that boy you see what I will do to him. When I was being taught black belt, we were telled not to beat a drunk, but that biy is too much)
My persons telled me not to fight. Until room.
When we reached room, even after seeing shaved tiita and legs putted at 180, tree behaved as if it does not know what tiita is, leave alone shaved tiita.
When she saw I was not responding in jumping on her like I had promised to make her feel it until throat, she stretched hand to touch touch zig that I had been singing to her about, a zig that stretches until she feels it at throat.
On touching, she returned hand soo fast as if she had touched something that bited her.
I refused to know why. I stretched hand to also feel what was bitting near my josto.
It is a soo small josto she had felt that she refused to know what that was. Again, she had only felt one bell as one bell had returned to stomach and refused to come out.
After the trauma was over, she returned hand and played with it to make it wake up but where. In her head, she new she will feel as if air was entering because of its small size but since a fridge had been bought, she had to contend with the content.
After unsuccessfully trying to wake it up, she decided to down to try to wake up the smallest josto she had ever come across by teasing teasing with mounth but where.
After another unsuccessful attempt, she decided to suck the one bell that had not returned to stomach so that josto can wake up but where.
She gave up and started consoling me now.
She telled me that even her former boyfriend had a small josto, though twice than mine and had problem ukiaring like me. One day, she took him to a certain man of cloth and after they planted seed, the josto added a few inches and ukiaring stopped being a problem.
Small, because men have no doer of good, when his problem of ukiaring finished, his zip remained down. He climbed anything that had hole until she decided to leave him.
She telled me that she can refer me to that man of cloth with good heart, if I want to lost, I lost, she had helped a creature of the lord. She telled me she can even give me his no I mpesa and he prays for me remotely.
I telled her that we will send tomorrow of that day. Small, I felled asleep.
In the morning, I woke up to find her touching touching the bell that had not returned to stomach. I don’t now what sorcery she was doing or if she was refusing to know how comes one can have one bell and josto size of a small finger and still dare to take a persons all the way to Nanyuki and beat chest of how she will feel josto until throat.
When she saw I had woken up small, she telled herself to go down again and suck the small josto so that she can say atleast she sucked, fridge has been repaid well in kind.
Small, I saw a persons thrown until wall. When my head registered that I was with this persons I had tried to climb for years, josto sprung up with full force on her mouth, pushing her in full force until wall.
She force was soo enormous that she even fainted.
I did first aid on her for several things. First for trauma of being thrown on wall and 2nd, the trauma of seeing a small josto turn into mighty zig zag that stretched until ceiling without the assistance of the man of cloth and three, trauma of seeing a one belled man grow another bell instantly, she removed from the comma.
I then made her put legs at 180 and since she was born, she had never experienced a man that lasted that long. She poured 3 times before I poured my first. But this is what was happening. When I was about to pour, the ghost of Johnie I had lifted up up would show up and pours would return to stomach.
As we removed from Nanyuki, she had had enough climbing to last her 6 months without wanting any josto again.
A day later, when she realized the fridge was air. She went to Safaricom and bought a those sms package worth a million bob or more. She then sent me 100 sms per second, all of abuses. And she was a real exorcist because even after blocking her, her smses were coming. Or maybe Safaricom were aiding her due to the huge business she had given them.
I am
Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno & CCTV.
I am sure you must have forgotten this Lifting Majonnie up up story. I also had forgotten it had it not for Bountiful Safaris Safaris who are offering incredible Easter offers and among the destinations they have offers for, there are chances of meeting. Theuri and I have made an Easter booking one and I hope not to lift one up up ever again. (You can visit http://www.bountifulsafaris.com For more information)
To remind you small about this story, there was this persons who had refused to put it on head for me piu piu despite trying all tricks on earth. Buying dogogio until she refused to know herself but where. I was only now remaining to take her to Bishop Helicopter to have her name checked if its written in the book of life.
The other thing I had not done was to take her out of town. And like I have telled you before, there is one guaranteed way of making a persons put thuruari on head: take her out of town, far from where she can take a taxi home and as long as it’s a place she will have fun. Don’t take a persons to Ngarua where people refuse to know or Kimende. Talk to bountiful Safaris if the only place you know out of town is Warufaga gwa Kiongo.
After buying her that fridge of air on that Saturday morning to spice up the 180 angle, we set out on our journey until Nanyuki. Theuri, Akuku, mpesa and two other guys and persons for each of us.
It is this us, until Sportsman’s Arms where the most notable revelers are Majonnies.
For those who don’t know Majonnie, these are United Kingdom’s version of KDF.
As part of the training and to make them more badass, every year, The queen of England sends several thousand to harness their killer instinct in this beloved country. Once once, upon slightly provoked, they harness their killing instincts on poor bar patrons in this bar.
Where we satted upstairs, it is only us, our persons, trappers and waiters that were black, the rest were all majonnies and a few other Europeans who owns all land in Laikipia. Any other matafaka sits downstairs. Upstairs is usually reserved for Europeans, white landowners of Nanyuki, Majonnies, trappers and those who have death wish. We didn’t have any death wish, we just didn’t know. That’s why we sat upstairs.
Groups and groups of them were coming in, all sober and minding their business. As time went by and as dogogio ate them little by little, they started being unruly, calling every trapper in there and sometimes confusing our persons for trappers. Our persons would look them bad and throw saliva out, though in their hearts, they were wishing we weren’t there they get climbed by Majonnies and move to Europe when Majonnie returns. This was even confirmed when another Majonie song singed for them by an Oga lady was played by the DJ, coz all the persons we were with stooded up to sing along
“I’m looking for Majohnny Where is Majohnny? Jonny come jonny com”
But they were playing double standard because when Majonny stooded up to dance with them, they would sit down.
When their advances were rejected by the persons we were, they were refusing to know how persons were rejecting them.
So, when they would be reject, they would talk in English of nose which I don’t hear even small unless they type subtitles. The only few words I would hear was like “cock sucker” “bitch” “motherfucker” “cunt”
Theuri and I would abuse them back in the same measure.
Small, almost deliberately, one Johnie whose ancestors were Chineese based on his facial features falled on my drink and it all poured on table.
Refusing to know how he does that to a leader, I stood up and lifted him up up and dragged him down the stairs in full speed. He was only landing with toes.
When mid journey of dragging him, it is then that it occurred to me that I was dragging a queen’s army, a guy trained to fight ISIS for all his life and a good student of Bruce Lee.
Head returned to normal small and realized that I should not have even dreamed of lifting him up up in the first place. One of those moments you realize you have just made a very very wrong decision like JAP where either way, you are fucked. One foot is on the banana peel and one foot on the grave. You refuse to know if to continue with lifting Johnie up up and end up with broken ribs or you drop him and still end up with broken ribs. Either way, you are still fucked.
Head telled me to drop him and lost for my life. Looking back, two Jonnies were following running to rescue their colleague. On the other side, trappers of sportsman’s arms were cheering me as if what I was doing something that was going to earn me a gold medal.
Theuri and my group did not leave their seats. They continued to drink as if no Jonnie had been lifted up.
With the moral support I was getting from the trappers, I lifted him higher and dragged him until end of stairs.
When I dropped him, I started to count how many more seconds I had to live without broken ribs because that was imminent.
He remained still, not reacting even small as if he had not been liften up up. He appeared like he had refused to believe even in dream that a mere stomached man had lifted him up up without fearing to be broken all bones.
In his head, he was saying, if I know one jab would be enough to make me refuse to know myself piu piu. This was the first time ever a reveler had even dared to lift a Johnie up
When I saw he was about to start believing that indeed he had been lifted up, I removed my phone and pretended to make a call to police.
If there are anything Jonnies fears, it is Kenyan police. I hear if a complain is made against them, the case is taken over by their military police where they see news. There is nothing as feared in their barrack as military police. When they sin, they are telled in loud voice
“You puke, I’m gonna tear you a new asshole. Get on your knees scumbag”
None of them like the experience of military police.
So, I lifted phone and telled them
“I am calling the police. The OCPD is my friend, you will see what you have never seen”
When I saw the fear registered in their faces, I continued
“Do you know who I am? Do you know the Army commander is my brother!, he will personally come here. You will see and refuse to know niggas”
Their Jonnies colleagues came and begged for peace. They begged and begged and saided I be given 5 of what I was taking. We resolved the matter.
But the experience made me shook bells so much that I did not return upstairs immediately.
After fear was removed piu piu I returned until upstairs.
As time went by, they started to leave one by one until only a few remained. Among those that remained was the one I had lifted up
Small, the one I had lifted up up with two others started to abuse me but this time, I did not return even one abuse.
The confidence in him telled me he was no longer afraid of being telled “On yo knees puke” by their military police and he no longer feared my army commander brother. All he wanted was to break my few of my bones. I just bended my head as if nothing was happening, though I was shaking even pancrease. He was waiting for me to return so that I see what KDF of UK is made of.
Theuri in small voice telled me in ear
“Gaikie ngundi ya inioro aya angi maingirira naithui tuingirire” (throw him a jab on his nose, if others enters, we also enter)
I bended my head more.
He continued to call me a bitch etc and showing me middle finger almost inserting the finger on my nose. When I looked up small and saw his chineese features again, reminding me of Bruce Lee and Jackie chan’s skills, head telled me to even pretend I had slept on the table. Even if I am beaten slap, I assume I was not beaten. Another of them, not Chineese but a huge European with tattoos all over looked like a matafaka who can climb each of us kwa nyeni, drink all our beers and do so with a smile on his face.
He continued middle fingering salute, and twice, he literally inserted on my nose. I remained still like a rained chicken.
The trappers who were earlier giving me moral support now turned againt me and started to give Majonnie moral suport. One saided in loud voice
“I ndukumarumaga tene. Kai thaa ici utararia?” (You were abusing them before, why are you not talking now)
As the trappers taunted me and Jonie harassed me, I overheard one trapper say
“niui last weekend nimaroragire kairetu na gutiri kundu matwariruo” (Last weekend they killed a trapper here and they were taken nowhere).
There there, one of my bells returned to stomach and josto shrunk and returned same size as it was when I was 5 years old.
One by one, Theuri and all others losted until room, leaving me and my persons.
All this while, I remained with my head bowed down like a rained chicken for fear if I looked at them, their killer instincts would be activated.
When all Johnies and any other white element in that hotel left, I got up and saided in loud but shaking voice “Ita kamundu kau wone uria ngugeka. Niui tugithomera black belt, tweriruo ndukanahure mundu mureu. No iu ni matuika too much” (Where is that boy you see what I will do to him. When I was being taught black belt, we were telled not to beat a drunk, but that biy is too much)
My persons telled me not to fight. Until room.
When we reached room, even after seeing shaved tiita and legs putted at 180, tree behaved as if it does not know what tiita is, leave alone shaved tiita.
When she saw I was not responding in jumping on her like I had promised to make her feel it until throat, she stretched hand to touch touch zig that I had been singing to her about, a zig that stretches until she feels it at throat.
On touching, she returned hand soo fast as if she had touched something that bited her.
I refused to know why. I stretched hand to also feel what was bitting near my josto.
It is a soo small josto she had felt that she refused to know what that was. Again, she had only felt one bell as one bell had returned to stomach and refused to come out.
After the trauma was over, she returned hand and played with it to make it wake up but where. In her head, she new she will feel as if air was entering because of its small size but since a fridge had been bought, she had to contend with the content.
After unsuccessfully trying to wake it up, she decided to down to try to wake up the smallest josto she had ever come across by teasing teasing with mounth but where.
After another unsuccessful attempt, she decided to suck the one bell that had not returned to stomach so that josto can wake up but where.
She gave up and started consoling me now.
She telled me that even her former boyfriend had a small josto, though twice than mine and had problem ukiaring like me. One day, she took him to a certain man of cloth and after they planted seed, the josto added a few inches and ukiaring stopped being a problem.
Small, because men have no doer of good, when his problem of ukiaring finished, his zip remained down. He climbed anything that had hole until she decided to leave him.
She telled me that she can refer me to that man of cloth with good heart, if I want to lost, I lost, she had helped a creature of the lord. She telled me she can even give me his no I mpesa and he prays for me remotely.
I telled her that we will send tomorrow of that day. Small, I felled asleep.
In the morning, I woke up to find her touching touching the bell that had not returned to stomach. I don’t now what sorcery she was doing or if she was refusing to know how comes one can have one bell and josto size of a small finger and still dare to take a persons all the way to Nanyuki and beat chest of how she will feel josto until throat.
When she saw I had woken up small, she telled herself to go down again and suck the small josto so that she can say atleast she sucked, fridge has been repaid well in kind.
Small, I saw a persons thrown until wall. When my head registered that I was with this persons I had tried to climb for years, josto sprung up with full force on her mouth, pushing her in full force until wall.
She force was soo enormous that she even fainted.
I did first aid on her for several things. First for trauma of being thrown on wall and 2nd, the trauma of seeing a small josto turn into mighty zig zag that stretched until ceiling without the assistance of the man of cloth and three, trauma of seeing a one belled man grow another bell instantly, she removed from the comma.
I then made her put legs at 180 and since she was born, she had never experienced a man that lasted that long. She poured 3 times before I poured my first. But this is what was happening. When I was about to pour, the ghost of Johnie I had lifted up up would show up and pours would return to stomach.
As we removed from Nanyuki, she had had enough climbing to last her 6 months without wanting any josto again.
A day later, when she realized the fridge was air. She went to Safaricom and bought a those sms package worth a million bob or more. She then sent me 100 sms per second, all of abuses. And she was a real exorcist because even after blocking her, her smses were coming. Or maybe Safaricom were aiding her due to the huge business she had given them.
I am
Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno & CCTV.
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