The Persons of Eastlands

On Friday, I had money like of thief. When I have money like that, several things happen. One, tree stretches upto knee level. Then, my eyes and brains refuses to coordinate completely. The other one, my phone either dies of fire, or it mysteriously rubs all contacts of persons, so I end up becoming unreachable or when tree stretches during that critical moment, I start browsing my phonebook to see who will with certainty put it on head and I end up getting no one. Either I dont see contacts on my phonebook and the ones I see, they already have gotten other buyers of dogogio.

The other thing, is that my car is able to smell oil of more than 200. Its abuse of the word car though, but since it moves, lets call it a car for convenience. The last time that thing saw insurance cover was a few decades ago, meaning it can only be driven at night when no traffic cop is around. Driving it at night also requires many long prayers to prevent it from being hit or hitting any other moving objects because it would be more profitable to lost and leave the object than the consequences. Also, if i say it has legs, i will go to satan direct. Its legs are as smooth as a baby's face. Some people would think that it had been smoothen by ladder to look smart. A small provocation on corrugated road means ten punctures at a go. A puncture means that it will sleep on road or go by rims because its spare leg, which was kaguru sirry, I lefted it in a petrol station a while back as security for fuel of 200 bob. When I have that two hundred bob, I usually dont have the jalopy and when I have the jalopy, I either find myself not near there or I avoid anywhere near that petrol station because I dont have that money.

Now, on Friday, when I catched that money, I tried to divide it but it could not fill all the problems at hand. Some problems were big to be sorted with that or either not very urgent. There were so many urgent things that needed attention, like repaying small small debts, clearing small small bills in my locals and returning hand to those who have been buying me dogogio for the last one month.

Nothing was filling well, so, I decided I dedicate 10k to have the car return to road small. Among the things I wanted to give priority to was a third party and 2 second hand legs of front from Cambodians for at least 1500 each.

I called my insurance guy and telled him I wanted a third party insurance as I waited to get good money to buy full comprehensive. He telled me to send him mpesa of 7500 plus of removing, then he will bring the sticker at 5PM.

There there, I sended him. Small, he smsed me and telled me "Thanks so much. Na nimekumbuka ulikuwa na balance ya 9k ya last year that you 'forgot' to pay me. I have deducted it, so tuma balance ya 1,500 alafu utume sasa ya this year"

I felt round round and round again like a dream. slapped myself to hear it was real. I felt pain, so I knew it was real. I wanted to call him and threaten him with dire consequences if he does not get me a sticker, then decided to say, if it has gone to a witch doctor, it does not return. I refused to know why God had decided to punish me like that when I remembered I could afford to send him his balance and more for insurance. It is then that satan whispered to my ear "life does not revolve around that car. You have bebabeba card, you have legs of your own, and remember, you need money in the evening for entertaining persons and paying room for climbing because your tree needs to be thanked for staying long before climbing good holes"

There there, I putted those misfortunes behind me and saided, it will stay like that until next time I see enough money.

In the evening, I started to remember who buys me when I am stepping with rim. Almost ten people came to mind. I did one plus one and saided that since its end month for all of them, let them buy themselves, I will buy them when it is not end month coz thats the only time they will remember. I saided that if I buy them dogogio when they have not stepped on foot, they will not remember later. It is like buying dogogio for a persons who is already drunk. Tomorrow of that day, they dont even remember seeing you anywhere.

I then remembered one guy that has access to some pupils of another college in town. He teaches there and is a climber with ear too. He is the kind that is always accompanied by 2 young souls and will talk bad when you dont return hand, so, you can only drink with or near him when you are fully loaded. When I called him and telled him I have money like satan and wouldn't mind to destroy a few thaos with him and several of his pupils, he telled me we meet at 8 and I will not be disappointed.

In the evening, he asked to name the type I want. I saided middle, not malnourished and not momo, someone who can put at 180 degrees because I only remain one shot for that week that must be used with alot of care, not wasting it up by beating up up because of lack of space to enter. You know at my age, one joti per week is what I can afford. Anything more than that is unnecessary pressure that I cant cope up with.

It is this us, until some place called Twisters/Red Square near Kayore junction. I choose that place because I had heard with rumour that rooms are
of international standard and only charges 1k. There is also another one, presidential pavilion that goes for 2500. It has a 62inc TV, 3sets of leather couches and room service. My idea was, if the pupil that was to be brought was of class, and I wanted to make her pour too, I was to take her to the pavilion. If she was ordinary or ivi ivi, then that one for one k. Infact if you tell a persons you are Sankara once inside, they will believe. But when you remove out, you hear smell of sewage running across outside thus removing it marks.

With him were 3 persons that looked like sun, though not extra ordinary. He telled me he would have brought 'sunner' persons, but they were refusing to come because they heard it was in Kayore and they were used to Nairobi of up or Tribekka after drinking Bluemoon at Madhuka. But those persons looked even more sun when they ordered Gin. With gin, you spend less than devil inspired Snapp and when a persons spends less of your money, she looks double sun to your head.

My tree had started to stretch as we continued to beat stories, until when one removed a cigarete and asked me if I had fire. Tree returned until stomach. My head refuses to know when it hears a persons smokes. When she saw I was refusing to know, she telled me that what she was smoking is called "Dunhill switch" that when you activate a switch, smell of
cigarette will not be heard in your mouth.

I tried to persuade tree to think again but where. Even when midnight reached, I was not getting the mood to borrow.

When it my refused to persuade me to climb, we lefted to sing Mugithi in Visa where dogogio was cheaper that twisters. The persons refused to accompany us, saying they will take motorbike home. He lefted two hundred for them for motor.

When it reached 3AM, he telled me he wanted to steal himself until home because he had been eaten enough. I telled him I was also not going to drink more. I decided to drop him because he saided he will not climb motorbike when he was drunk like that.

As we zoomed near HB, I saided we enter and drink one for home. I slowed down and a persons near stage stopped me and asked me if I was going to Donholm we drop her. The guy advised me against. He telled me not to. I refused to know why, so I telled the persons to enter.

When she entered, he looked at back then at me and said to me in low voice of a drunk persons "We utikaga risk ihana atia. Giki kimundu tikiega ona hanini. ndungiagikua men!" (Why do you take unnecesary risks, you should not take given lift this ki persons)

I telled him that she looked harmless to me and after all, we were dropping her on our way.

When we reached doni, she saided she was going to Nyayo estate. So, I telled her I drop her at pipu then she gets means from there because we were headed further up up outering. But head had already developed some ideas. I wanted I drop the teacher, then be lefted with her to borrow things.

The teacher guy was the first to remove. When he was removing, he telled me to take care of that persons, she did not look good at all. In head, I telled him to tell that to satan.

After removing, the persons, who I did not know was a Greek like us and was hearing what we were saying saided "Aki huo rafiki yako si ana roho mbaya? kai arangua atia (How is he carrying me?)

I telled her not to mind him, he boils somewhere when july, the month of cold reaches or when he takes dogogios. She continued "nie we derefa nguendire uriria nyonire ukienda kuingira hb. We wi muega muno no murataguo
niandakaria muno" (Me driver, I liked you the moment I saw you you are good, but your friend has offended me piu)

I telled the persons we enter at Links bar (not sure) we drink one. She saided she does not feel like drinking again. I inserted car between links bar and another bar and turned. I switched on the light of inside to see the persons well and be sure she does not look like of satan as the guy was suggesting.

The first thing I saw was cleavage. I felt my heart striked by electricity. Not sure of the face, but the cleavage looked stunningly hotter than anything I had seen the whole day.

I removed from car and entered back seat where she was and started to flirt small small.

Small, I stretched hand to touch as I tested if the hand will be thrown away, like the way PMs do when you go home almost in the morning and you touch touch them. Hand gets thrown until you refuse to know why they dont throw javeline in competitions. She smiled, an indication that I was geving me greenlight to touch touch.

It is me, brookies. She removed the brookie from bra herself and pulled my head to suck well well. When sucking, my other had was holding pocket to ensure that she does not enter me pockets and steal my hard earned money.

I returned the other hand down down and inserted it in her trouser and felt wet wet. Touching small small, she removed my hand, unzipped her trao, then removed all trouser, then bended.

Now with the back facing me, I could see and touch all tiita. Quite big, to be precise because it was filling all my palm. Just like of cow, but dont carry me wrong. I touched and touched, puling runguthustu small small, then inserting almost all hand because it was filling. Water started to drip drip, as she said mbus. Small, my hand was full of water.

I rose up small to reach for a towel that wipes dashboard. When she saw what I was doing, she telled me "We, niki ureka? urenda kuhura na
gitambaya kiu? conoka. ndina cuka, (removes scarf tied on her neck) ke uhure na uyu ninjui ndureda chafue ngari yaku" (What are you wanting to do? You want to wipe me with that towel? shame on you, I have scarf (removes it from her neck). Wipe me with this, I know you don't want me to dirty your car)

I wiped her tiita with it then continued to touch touch. That time, my tree is almost exploding.

She telled me "Aki sweetie, ingiza sasa, naumia akiii oieeee"

I refused to know because I did not have makobosto. I telled her I dont have makobosto. I asked "wina makobosto hau?" Do you have makobosto?"

She turned and asked me "ndukangue uguo urenda kungua nie. Nie ndiikaga mitugo iyo" (Dont carry me like that, I dont do those things), implying she is not a trapper.

I telled her then I remove to go guy makobosto, as I was still touching touching. I removed out but did not see any Masai to send. I telled her I cant see masai. She telled me "Si uingize ivo" There there, I returned sober and refused to know why she wanted to kill me for no reason.

I telled her we go at Nyayo and look for a bar to buy makobosto.

As I was removing the car, I saw she was communicating with someone on phone, telling whoever was on the other end that she was on the way. When we reached where railway lines crosses the road, near Taj Mall, my intuition telled me not to proceed further because I was being arranged to be either robbed or be hidden and ransom be demanded.

I pretended to be getting drunk and telled the persons "nieee nidareeeoo muno. ndigokera haha. reke ngurihire nduthi igutuare, nie ndingihota guthie (I have been drunked too much, I cant pass here, let me pay you a motorbike it takes you)

She said ok. I gave her a sock and she climbed a motorbike that was passing and spend off.

As I was returning, I asked myself, since she was not a trapper, and she was ready to be climbed by a stranger without makobosto, what made me not climb her?

Now, yesterday morning, the teacher guy called me and telled me "Munene, nindirariganiirwo ni ka Laptop gakwa hau ngarini thutha. Ni ka mini laptop kena bag ya black, wahota guthie carwash uriganirwo ke hau thutha kaiywo ni imundu cia carwash. Ningumigira huaine" (Leader, I forgot my latop at the back. its is a mini laptop that is inside a black bag, you might forget and go to carwash and it get stolen by those people of carwash. I will come for it later"

I doubted ever seeing a latop so, I went to check. I searched all over but didnt see a trace. I called the guy and told him I cant see any.

Within a few minutes he was there. We searched for it, even inside the hole of pressure but where.

He looked at me and telled me "No nginya ikorwo ni maraya iria urakuite iraiyire. Ngwenda o laptop ingi" (*Must be that trapper you carried that stole. I want another laptop). But the looks of his eyes, he either thinks I planned with that trapper so as to sell it at Soko Kuu. This is the place I will still go to buy a second hand one to replace that one. I might fall for the stolen one. So, if you hear me looking for a mini, and you boughted a stolen laptop, dont sell to me, because I will throw you inside and add that even an Iphone was stolen.

And as we are speaking, I cant tell how that trapper removed with the laptop. I am now doing a harambee to enable me repay a laptop that 'my' trapper stole.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi.
Snr. Gyno.