Why I was Made an Elder On Xmas Day

I have so many stories to beat to you until i am refusing to know where to start. I have muclimbano stories, including the stag party one and several others but since I dont want you to end year with your tree standing, I will reserve that for January. For now, I will update what happened during the first day of the holiday season.

I should have written this in the morning but i woke up in the at 3PM after Sir chaos made me drink Yohana Mtembezi until morning. The disadvantage of Yohana is that it makes you get drunk with manners, not hobera hobera. It cant make you refuse to know yourself. And if you want to refuse to know yourself, you must drink many many and in hurry and due to its prohibitive price, one must drink slowly slow, especially if you are not the one buying, rest you are told to do equal equal. God knows i cant buy even a tot of Johny Walker, unless devil has entered me. When you take a sip of Yohana, you know well that one sip is equal to one full Summit. So, jana i took 100 summits? God forbid.

When  some of you traveled to Mombasa and Maasai Mara for the holidays, I traveled to the village. I would have loved to be in Mombasa to eat happy like you but my wallet has been experiencing severe acute malnutrition for the last three months after one of my partner broke his hands, hence he cant sign  cheques :) Ok. Let me stop unyee, it is the dollar that had been causing that but in January, we will have money like of thiefs because dollar has finally stabilized. I can sell what i had hoarded since Nov.. To subject myself conditions, like going to Mombasa is an outright death sentence.

But when you were busy eating happy, i was busy being installed a village elder. Those that
follow me on twira or facebook were able to follow the coronation life life because i was reporting it as it was happening.

I earned the title through my ability to do fundraising for their beer for the entire period and my ability to bring people, some I don't even know together. What  I did was to make some few of us that come from the city do equal equal for several crates of Allsopps beer and  KCs  and several other stuff i cant recall their names, only if i see the containers.

In my village, all people hold me with much respect because i was the only one that never drinked cigarettes or entered bars when I was in school. I also never drank bangi openly, making me one of the most valued sons of my village. For Theuri, he started drinking cigarettes and eating persons openly immediately he got circumcised, so, he grew up being disliked far more, because of even talking too much. So,  when word spread that i had been seen enter a local, all former school mates, most of them high on yokozuna 24/7 and former teacher traced us in one of the bars.

"We Wanjohi, we read with you, Wanjohi, i taught you, Wanjohi, xyz.."chorus was all i could here. Enjoying attention in the village comes with many costs, chief among them, financial. When they asked for beer, I would tell them to beat round small and come back because Mpesa was experiencing delays.

Small time, I heard Theuri say to Mafiosa "Niui Mutongoria ni kabia mwaniki. Arumaga akihuhaga. Aya andu monire wanjohi utuku matimui. No nake, umuthi niaguitana, ngu make sure ni maria mbeca iria ciothe enacio" (You know wanjohi is rat mwaniki, that eat small small, you dont see the harm. I will make sure all money he has is eaten by these people singing him"

Since the people were not bulging at all, they sat next to us. When  i asked what they will drink, they said they will drink some stuff costing 120 for a 750 ml. Theuri protested and said that i should not buy them that, at worst, atleast KC. He told them  "Nimui uyu riu ni mutongoria na ena mbeca muno. Niwe wandikagira Jaguar Nyimbo, kinya Kigeu geu niwe wandikire. I mutikimui ndari mukigu cukuru." (This man is a leader. He is the one that even writes songs for Jaguar, including Kigeugeu. You know he was not foolish in school, right?)

At that time, beer had catched me well, so i told them that I was indeed the one that composed Kigeugeu. I told them that Jaguar was my friend and we talk everyday. I told them that he such a friend that i can punch him on face and make him say sorry to me for punching him. The guys, either through my imagination, or theirs appeared to believe me. To prove my point, i told them i even have his number.

In my phone, i have a contact name saved Jaguar. Its not a real name. The owners's real name is Marto but to easily differentiate the many  matos i have, and i don't like saving him Marto Kandinya, i decided to save him as Jaguar. I think i have told you before about this Marto before. Is the same guy I told you that in his life, since i knewed him like 5 years ago, he has never entered a bar with a person of out and he has never left a bar without a person of out. He measures and within no time, especially when they get drunk, identifies one, even if its of owner and removes with them. The only time i saw him enter was one time and when he called them, he said 5 should come. You can imagine two people buying beer for 5 persons at club Sylk. Isn't nyees going to stomach?

Most of the persons, when they see his phones, they never resist because their main intention is to steal his phones. But woe unto them because even if they steal the phones, they are all insured. Marto is not fun of beer but you all know those that dont drink do what? Eat as many persons as they can. I would have loved to tell you how many persons he ate during the stag but since he reads this blog and he has a  service voucher he promised to give me, I dont want to risk him withdrawing. Just incase he reads here, Marto did not eat any person. Only me ate. No one else ate. Only Wanjohi. (Long when i write about this)

To prove my friendship with Jaguar, I removed my phone and dialed 'Jaguar's' no. 'Jaguar' picked phone and when i told him i have his fans that wanted to talk to him, he obliged and talked to like 10 people. I don't know what they were saying, but since he knows I used to drink bangi and sometimes it ririmukas, he let it pass.

Theuri then told them that i also write for Njogu wa Njoroge what to say in the morning. He told them that what he says does not come from head but reading like news, all written by me. I told them that i drink with him every Friday and Saturday at Citrus Inn. I told them that i don't even call him Njogu, i call him Gashogu because he is shorter than me and fears me.  I  asked the group who wanted to speak to Njogu and three lifted their hands. I went to my phone book, edited one Chairman's no and saved it as Gashogu ka Nyawira. When i dialed his number, it appeared like i was now calling Gashogu.

The chairman, who was drinking at in Kiriaini beer of 95 bob talked to me small and after talking small, I told him there were people that wanted to say hi. Thinking it was persons of out, he heard it were men, calling him Njogu. He refused to know and cut the phone. When he cut, i told them that Njogu does not like being disturbed, and they all understood. I don't know how many other people i manufactured, so if i called you on that day and you talked to some people, don't think it was the devil that had catched me, i was trying to prove friendship existence of some people. The 120 beer made them drunk very fast and small time, they all left, some falling falling due to drunkenness.
 
All this while, there were some elderly people watching us from far, and some were listening.  One of them was my former primary school teacher. Like a great pyshcologist, he had known that i tell stories of giants at times, especially to people that don't know me, so he came to me. He said "Ee.. Wanjohi na to ukuku ndugaguo uhoro i, nie ndirenda kuinuka. No to ndirenda uge nindaregire kunyua mucufa waku ri, nyuaga Tusker ndire ndaguagua" (Wanjohi, coz  night is never said news, I dont want you to go saying, ooh, Mwalimu refused your beer. I drink Tusker, i have never fallen)

Before i could call the waiter to deliver, 4 other former teachers, fetinaries and other elders were lining up and demanding their share. When i weighed the situation, I saw the best alternative is to make all of us buy the elders by force. I told the guys were with "Tuikei equal equal athuri aya manyue njohi. Mundu arute ona muti umwe umwe" (Lets do equal equal, this men drink beer. Each one of us remove a K.)

I called the teacher that said Tusker and told him "Nyua njohi iria unyuaga tutari nawe, no niithue tukutura. usker thiku ici mekirire mai muno. I ndurona ndiranyua Summit.  Ndukanyue njohi itangikuria. Sawa?" (Drink the beer that you drink on normal days. These days, they put Tusker water too much. You see I am taking Summit?)

He looked at me as if i am the wisest man after my grandpa and Uncle that lives behind UON and said "Waria ta athuri mugwanja. Reke  tunyue Allsopps" (You have talked like 7 men. Lets drink Allsopps) . A crate was sent but still, they wanted to roga their drinks with KC. We sent several KCs but still wanted more harder stuff i heard them call it 'shuma'.

There there, three elders came and started to talk to me like i was the area MP. One of them asked why i had not presented my candidature for MP or senator. I told them i will be standing in Nairobi starehe. They appeared very disturbed. They told me that from that moment, they have announced me an elder, although I have not removed any goat. He put beer on his mouth and spilt on the ground for the ancestors, then on his chest, then on me. Two others did the same, making me officially an elder. One however said that the ancestors don't like Allsopps, only Muratina. To brew Muratina, I had to part with 500 bob for preparation. When you are being singed, you cant resist with such 'meagre' amount. When he saw i parted with the 5sock so fast, he said i also need to buy a stool where i will sit for a K. It is then i told them that mpesa has started to experience delay again and we should wait for 10 minutes.

When they saw the cow has refused, they went to sit and continue downing the Allsopps. Its like another man  was waiting for them to leave. One man came and told me that he heard that i have never gotten myself a PM. I told him i have but he refused to accept. When he insisted and to make him go away, i told him that i will marry next year. He smiled and said i am his son and  that he had a daughter, now finished form four and he want to give me by force. I told him unless she come as second PM because official PM was there. When i tried to ignore him, he would issue threats, including to scratch his navel. I don't know what repercussions would be but since i did not want to be the first, I endured his lectures.

I was only saved when the man who anointed me as an elder came and said in loud voice " Ee.. Ithanduku riri tukinyite, riauma he wanjohi. Na riathira tutikunyua ringi tondu turona ta aharire" (this crate has come from Wanjohi and when it finishes, we wont ask for another because he looks like he has harad) Before he could finish, i told the waiter to take another crate. All Allsopps beer had finished, so they opted for Pilsner. And because it was an equal equal stuff, i did not have any fear.

In one of the corners in that bar, there were persons of out that looked like sun. They were seated with equally young boys i heard were in university with them and some from the village.  I didn't know that my village could produce such stunningly hot persons. Besides being hot, some were dressed in tight stockings some people mistakenly call them  trousers. Those are the types that you see tiita very well from far. Others were on blouses you could see half brookie. The last time i was in the village, it was a taboo for a  person of out to wear trouser or any dress that does not touch toes.

We had feared to call them on our table before because of the wazees but after they refused to know themselves, we Theuri told one of the guys we were with to threaten them with a round of beer. We told him since he does not get paid in birds that can fly away, he is a leader. He did not refuse, but only bought for the three persons.  Small time, we called them and they sat on our table. After we knew each other well and their homes, I said they get a round. When the waiter brought the bill to me, I told her to add on the one we were to do equal equal (the one for the elders). I told them to drink more and more, sending all bills to equal equal bill, although no one was knowing that i was sending to the equal equal bill.

As we were drinking, my tree had standed and i was drawing how to eat one, although grass of home is not eaten. I called the one who was with a tight 'trao' and  visible tiita and we started to chat. Like Nairobi persons, when i talked to her in Greek, she was returning in English. When i asked her where she works, my tree  that was now measuring how many jotis it will pour suddenly shrunk. The person works in a Casino in Malindi. I have never been to Malindi, only Wakanai has , but I am sad to report that most of them leave thuruari in Nairobi.

Maybe it is the village in me but when i hear a person of out works in Mombasa or Malindi, my tree refuses, unless she works at the port and shows me proof by displaying her job card. In many cases i know, when they climb Mombasa raha and Coast bus, they remove thuruari and throw it away when they reach Mlolongo or furthest, Athi River. In my head, i was seeing her how she sucks trees of Italians after they finish gambling.

Theuri in the meantime was entertaning his with his stories of giants. I heard she studies in USIU or something, its subject to verification. At first, she attempted to talk to Theuri in English but who is Theuri. Theuri told her "Nie ka mai daughter, ona gatiri gaikara gishagi ona mweri, na ndakariria gikuyu gachokagia na gikuyu. Na kena miaka ikumi. Riu we na urereirwo guku mbocoine, orandigithia muno ati utuire boarding kuma class one ati ndui gikuyu" (My daghter, 10yrs can talk Saps. You, you were born here and you pretend you cant speak saps. Kari gani?) After that, she came down and started to talk in Saps. But she did not last long there, small time, she shifted to another guy that looked like he had more firmer steel nyees than Theuri.

Small time, I gave myself shuguli after sometime and shifted to one, Momo. Momo, for those who dont know, is one that before agreeing to chogiiogio, it drinks several littles of Diesel and you all know how expensive diesel is nowadays. When you want to fall it, like what one Sam says, you need to get a tranquilizer.

But on looking at her legs of elephant, i said bad is bad. The person told me she is also a pupil of USIU.  I think I am a daft but in my head, i filled a college either in Zimmer or another one in Ruiru.  After the elders left, we were more at liberty to do whatever we wanted.  When I attempted to  insert hand small, she did  not refuse. I telled myself that she has had all men's hand touch in all clubs in Thika road.  The person had Nairobi enter her so much because when i inserted more more inside,  i felt like she did not have thuruari, though she refused me to pass more (not intentionally, but the piece of meat could not allow me better). As i was touching small small, i said that i will not fear nor favor, henceforth any person i meet in Nairobi that looks like sun because, chances are, she was born and bred in some village similar to Kigogoine. 

Before we could strike a deal, some few minutes past 3AM, we heard door being knocked by force. It was the area Chief and his askaris. They ordered all of us enter a pick up they had come with because of drinking after hours.  One guy went and told the askaris that he was an officer. He was met with a hard slap and his o officer jumped in pick up.

I wanted to tell them if they have heard or seen me somewhere but when I saw how they slapped their colleague, I dashed to the loo and locked myself. I could not stand the shame of being locked in a mabati cell.

After small time, the owner of bar came and 'settled' the chief and his officers and those that had climbed the pickup removed. When i removed from toilet, I didnt see the persons and i have since forgoten what name i used  to save them in my phonebook, it might as well become a dream to eat grass of home.

I found Theuri and two others on table, still drinking. They laughed when he saw me and said "Shifu nu riu? Ona Kiraithe angiuka haha itangigiukira. Turi aria oru"  But later, i heard they entered under the table and hid there when the rest were being driven out.

We asked for the bill  of those my former teachers and other elders. When it came, it was 20 bob shy away to 7 k. I told each person, 6 of us to remove each  1500. Before me removing mine, i already had 7,500. I pocketed the extra 500 bob when i saw they were not jumping on anything.

Unfortunately for me, i had to travel back to Nairobi because my boss wanted me to come and show him how to save a document he had been typing the whole day on 27th. Thats how i found myself in Nairobi before the holiday was over, thereby denying me a chance to eat grass of home. In the meantime, Theuri and Mafiosa are still in shags and its like they dont want to come until next year. Theuri told me that already, two hawks are down.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Happy Holidays...

This is a very busy time of year and I wanted to take a moment to wish you and your family a very joyous, safe and fulfilling Holiday Season. :-)

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Looking For a Person Of Out...

Something interesting from one,  Mtu Nyee:

I am looking for a person of out just for this holiday.

Lets admit something here. Deep down, you don't want the 'troubles' and hassles of living with a man. You want someone to do the climbing and other nasty stuff, keep you warm and someone to accompany you to your friends'  so they don't keep thinking you're a loser destined for permanent solo status.

You've spent all year working and getting drunk and haven't had the time capture yourself a boyfriend.

The only meaningful relationship you have gotten into this year was with somebody's hubby. Too bad, they cant be with you during this time.

I have a solution: Be my person, but only for this holiday.

This is how it will work: Send me a picture (full size) and a brief bio. Education and career stuff not to be included int he bio.

If the picture looks like sun, we'll set up a casual date (coffee or beer). If that's a success and we both enter each other, we'll date until 11:59PM, January 2nd, 2012. After that, we can still be friends (unless we dont like each other, then we can downshift to the occasional drunken booty call).

The benefits:
You have someone to keep you company on these holidays (I have references, dating back to  years now.) I will save you the trouble of going to noisy bars during this holiday season.

Don't Bother if You Exhibit the Following:
Cant throw a round, if you dont live alone because thats where we will spend the holidays,  still in love with  a man  from past years (or if you secretly are, at least have the damn decency to not blab on about it).

Interested? Then send your picture (and i repeat, full size) and bio @ mtunyee@yahoo.com. Those that  will send with front and back will have added advantage.

Kind regards,

Mtu Nyee

The Wrath of a Scorned Trapper

Until recently, I have underestimated the wrath of a scorned trapper. I escaped having my nyees removed some few days ago. Had it not for the fact that I don’t eat trappers anymore, I would be nyeeless today.

One evening in the year 2008, out of small imaginary disagreement with my person I had kept , we threw hands. This is the person I told you about that wanted to behave like a PM.  Because I had written myself to eat somebody on that day and my person had thrown hands, I decided to go to a place I could catch one cold one and at the same time, prey on some person with thuruari on head. I had heard with rumors that Umoja was a haven for persons with thuruari on head. I wanted to find for myself, so i headed straight to Hb umo.

I gave myself a seat near the DJ because I knew in my head that all person of out that goes to request a song or say hi to the DJ are, in most cases thurariless. In other words, they go to tell the DJ, although in coded words  (unless the DJ has no good head to decode the message) that they stopped wearing thuruari long time. But sadly, most DJs, especially those I know, including Dj Lau have no good head because when a person of out come smiling at him, he shows stone face and the persons runs away in full speed..

I closed one eye on all the persons that were passing to say 'hi' to the DJ but all looked at me as if I have Onyanchas blood. I tried to smile at them but where. The rest that looked as hot as sun and abit settled, not running to the DJ had either a dirtied table or sitting too many together. The last thing a man with nyees that are not of steel can do is to add more dirt on an already dirtied table or to buy like 5 persons sitting together beers that come two two. For a dirtied table, they will not carry you anything and for two two for 5, you will need to sacrifice a whole weeks drinks.

But all was not lost. There were few that responded to my closing eye but looked like sisters of orangutan. When they responded with a smile or closing an eye too, I behaved as if it was fly that had entered my eye and let them pass..

As the night progressed, and when I was on my sixth beer, the sisters, even sisters of orangutan started to look like sun. My watchful eyes caught one, with size 36D that responded to my closing of eye with a broad smile. I beckoned her to come sit with me and enjoy the fruits of my week's hard work.

As we were destroying several thousands together, I told the person many stories of giants , including about my trucks and high rise buildings , some as high as 9 storeys in Pipeline, thus making her even smile more and more (why do people believe drunks, i refuse to know). . The person also had her own giant stories because she told me she was into selling Thuraya phones. Thuraya phones are satelite phones only used by pirates and governments, so you can imagine your kind of clientele.

For every extra beer i was drinking, I saw her become more stunningly hot. But many more suns were streaming in, some laptops and others yellow yello, so, my wandering eyes started tospot more yellow yellos. The person saw the imminent threat of me getting stolen and to protect her territory, she suggested we change venue. She then changed her mind and asked me to drop her in her house because she had dranked enough for that day.. In my head, I telled myself that she had already climbed herself because that was another way of telling me to go climb.

When we reached her gate, I telled myself that i will climb in the car. I removed one brookie, although it was quite a task because of the size and weight and started to suck. When i saw no refusing, I inserted hand to touch tiita. Due to her size, it was such a daunting task to reach it, even with her half dropped trouser. When she 'felt' what i was doing, the person behaved as if she had refused to know herself. Since I can never ramnya somebody who has refused to know herself, I woke her up so that she can assist me in removing her own trouser, and also put legs proper on the dashboard for me.

The person suddenly 'realised' herself and told me that she coudnt get climbed on the first day. She told me that it was not even safe around that place. She told me that since she lives two floor up in that building, I should escort her up to her house to make sure she has entered because she was very drunk. I am a person who reads in between the line all the time. When i was studying Ms word, the main lesson, which i passed very well was to read in between the line. With my decoding technique, i decoded there was that she wanted we ramnyana in her house properly instead of a quickie in the car.

When we reached her house, she gave me the keys and asked me to open. After I opened, i behave like a kaka sungura. I told her that i wanted to make sure she was safely in bed. I helped her remove her shoes, then blouse and bra. On viewing the 36D, all by myself, my heart started to beat in my ears. I struggled to remove her trouser as I was shaking all over, including my toes of foot because i feared she might refuse me to climb.

I removed makobosto and ramnyad somebody proper. After I poured, I started to think of excuses to give to leave. I complied a number of lies and truths, including that in that evening, she will eat and drink until she refused to know herself.

Tomorrow of that day, I beat Theuri how I ramnyad somebody that looked like sun I had met at Hb. I even invited them to some with me in the evening and see what the leader will be now eating, right in somebody's house. No cost of room.

When she came, I refused to know if that was indeed the same person I had ramnyad. I am not saying she looked bad. No. But she did not look like the sun I had seen the previous night. Maybe like the sun that is orbited by Kepler 22b. For those who did not go to school and have no Google, Kepler 22b is a with earth that they suspected can life. It can, however take some few years to reach there, like 400,000 years or so, depending which aircraft you climb. If you climb Airbus like the one KQ bought the other day, it will be less time, with some few hours. That means, if you enter an Airbus to go there, you might be required, by law, to climb like three persons at a go first because it will take you quite some years before you reach there, otherwise, your nyees will burst mid air due to accumulation of nyees, thus scaring other passengers.

But her 36D brookie was something to brag with. In the ear, Theuri was told me “Mundu, kai… kurathie atia. Maitho nimarora. Gura miwani” (Person, what is happening. Your eyes are losting, you need to buy glasses.).

After few beers, every body started to see her turn to sun. Theuri beautified my cv until she invited me for another climbing session in her house.

This time round, i was told first, to pay Maasais 200 bob to look after my old car, otherwise, they will watch as thieves steal side mirros and side lamps. I went again and climbed the person one quick joti and left. Since the person had showed me that she was not coachroach, I did not leave her a cent. In its place, I might have promised heaven, though am not sure. I do it all the time anyway.

In my head, I had telled myself that that was the last time she was seeing me. I still had my person and although we had thrown hands at each other for few days, we had reconciled after I admitted liability for imaginary accusations. (This my person was the one that had started to behave as if she was my PM. I told you about her before)

After I disappeared in thin air because two climbing session was enough anyway, the person kept on calling and calling and I kept on giving stories of giants. I literally disappeared from Hb, so there was no place she could find me.

After the person realized I am a thug like any other man, she became angry and wrote me many smses. When I refused to answer any, she decided to write a strong one that made me reply: “kwani ulifikilia kuma ni ya bure”.

There there, I filled for myself that the person was a trapper in a way. In my head, i had been telling myself that she was an ordinary person of out that had falled for a man she though could satisfy her needs now and forever. I replied ‘Unataka ngapi” to which she replied “3k’. She then instructed me to send by mpesa, but who is Wanjohi.

There there, I cut communication completely. After some few months, I returned to hb. I met the person and when she saw me, she threw saliva out. I refused to know but it is then that i realised that she was indeed a trapper, but not of medicine.

For two years, she never talked to me. When she saw me, she did like this %$^^). And because I don’t eat in her house, I never gave a damn.

Early this year, she suddenly started talking to me. That same day, she came and asked me to buy her a beer. I told her to beat round small and come back. She told me that I still have babish and left. I wanted to return fire but since I am bigger than that, I choose to leave her. Again, I am told that by 10 persons per day, so I care less. I make friends, especially with persons every club I go, so, if i had to buy persons friends in all club I patron, I would be working for them then. Again, if refusing to buy a person of out beer of babish, then i want to remain of baby. From them, she lived for another 6 months throwing saliva out whenever she saw me, or frowning like this" %%$^&.

Around three months or so ago, devil catched her again and she started talking to me. This time, she got a beer from me. After I ordered the beer, she sat on out table and told Sir Chaos “Huyu wanjoi hakuna kitu anaeza niambia. Wacha siku hizi anaringa. Mimi nilimjua kama hana kitu. Akiwa na kagari mzee kanaenda kakitoa moshi kwa bara bara. Huyu na ukimuona, anamwagaga na second tano. Na anajiitaga mwanaume” All of them were being collected from the ground and  to shut her up from further removing colour, I told her to drink until morning.

Following week, I was with my buddies at HB. One of them said he wanted a person of out. As luck would have it, she was passing and i invited her over. The guy thanked me so much because he ramnyad until tomorrow of that day, at 11 AM.

Two weeks ago, I was enjoying my drink with my buddies when she came and demanded for a drink. Although I did not respond about beer, I told her that I must climb her that night.

When she saw no drink was coming, only giving her stories of giants and no drink,she started again. She told my buddies “Huyu wanjoi anaring tu. Kwanza nakuanga na machungu sana na wewe. Unajuanga vile ulinitesanga. blah blah”…

On looking at my buddies, especially the chairman and sir chaos,  I could tell they were refusing to know how I could have kept such a person. They were looking at me and refusing to know if I was indeed Wanjohi or his image. Her mori kept on rising until she wanted to cry. Still eating mori, she told me that one day, she will bit my nyees until they are crashed. I feared so much because the bible says if your nyees are cut, you will not see heaven by eyes, so I told her to leave our table or I make her life miserable.

Before leaving, she came to my ear and bit half of it. She tried to tear it but i think ear is as hard as karema hiti "refusal of hyna" (European people call it knee cap) because her teeth did not cut it off. I shouted in pain until all bouncers came to find out what was happening. I was only helped when I called the area chief to come with two APs because the rich of the surrounding was in imminent danger. I removed tears because of pain and even today, the ear is still paining. Dj Lau, instead of consoling me, started to read for me. "We kamundu gaka ninguiraga mamundu maya utigane namo. Riu one maithori, andu makurorire mararigwo kamundu karia kaugio mbu ni kii (Uopu ka person, i have warned you against this persons for long. People are refusing to know what made you say mbus)

It is then I realized what her mission would have been, had I agreed to go to her house again. I would be nyeeless today. It was a plot she has hatched for a long time.

What I am refusing to know is, and this is to the persons of out. If a man climbs you, and maybe you are a trapper, you can carry the pain for all those years? And for heavens sake, she was a trapper, though I didnt know.

However, I learned a very valuable lesson. I will, from now on, be careful with persons of out I meet in bars or otherwise. If its not cash ki tobacco, then, let them stay with it.

(I would have loved to narrate the muclimbano part but since i was nominated the most sewage fella on the blogs by Pulse magazine, I would want to moderate on that. But with sewage or not ;), all the stories i tell are real and they happens. All are within the boundaries of sanity; none of them are out of the ordinary, or are they?)

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

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As i told you before, a person of out will never remove thuruari for you just because you look good. Persons of out never look for looks. Unless you are extremely extremely handsome and talk good English like some guys i see on Afro cinema. Even if you you look like an olangutan and you have cash, fame or have the fine things in life, thuruari will always be left at home. Persons that look good and have money and fame, like Jaguar have added advantage. Persons of out will refuse to know if they have good head if they ever come near him with thuruari, even the small ones some people call thong.

But for the scratchers of skin, there is a sure way to enter a person of out. And the sure way is to tell endless lies to them. Lie and lie until they believe it. I got all this from my good friends Theuri and Akuku. Within one hour with a person of out, Theuri will have laid so many lies until the person refuse to know why she came with thuruari. They are flattened so much until they put it on head.

I am not a good lair myself but once once, i have gotten thuruaris on head after spreading lies.

One day, on a Sunday, i was at home and my PM had fooled so much because i had gone home almost in the morning and falling falling down due to drunkenness.

At around mid day, one devil called me and said i had losted to much. This person looked like models, and used to walk like them, even on Tom mboya street. She looked so flexible, and malnourished in a way she can put legs at 180 degrees. When standing straight, a small gap is left where tiita sits. Such persons are full of sweetness. You can also climb them standing (karugamo).

She had, on several occasions refused to put it on head. She used to tell us that she had a boyfriend and cannot mix for him. Despite telling her that it is not soap to finish, or it will not write on tiita that it had been climbed, she refused to feel me.

After talking small, I told her that I had ukiad like Satan. She said that she had also ukiad too much but had one stress that was disturbing her. She told me that she had a chama meeting in the evening and they were required to remove two k and she had zero. She told me that if i lent her the money, tiita will be all mine.

In my pocket, i had three thousand, front and back. I told the person to meet me in Magomano at one because i was willing to assist her. I told her that i have even called Maina of butchery to put meat of burnt for the two of us.

This person had earlier, on many occasions refused to remove for me. We had gone out many times but when i tried to give her beer to make her refuse to know herself, she used to get clever and hepa us.

When she came, she ordered those beers of cans that come two two. As if i had twenty thousand bob with me, we beat water until Ksh. 1,900 had dranked water. Now, between me and poverty, i was remaining Kshs. 1,100 bob. My tree was standing because once once, she was touching touching it and i was, in turn touching touching her thighs small small. I was, however, refusing to know what to do because the good rooms in town goes for a K plus. I was thinking of talking to Maina of butchery to talk to people of room of Magomano and tell them that i will bring money tomorrow but then, remembered that their rooms arent the best. If you take a person there, she can even refuse to apart her legs, even if she had come with no thuruari.

It is then that i remembered Bilmas. Bilmas have two types of rooms. One, no latrine and bathroom inside, only bed and those are cheaper, goes for 600 bob. Those with latrine and bathroom inside goes for a K. I dragged her to Bilmas and like a good climber, I removed all her clothes one by one until only thuruari remained. I took thuruari on side and started to suck tiita. I sucked tiita until she poured. (Theuri says sucking tiita or fingering someone is same as eating bila makobosto. Maybe you should educate me on that because it scared the hell out of me)

I ramnyad things until 6ish. The person gave me so good, throwing legs in the air because she was happy with my eating habits and techniques and again, her stress of money had vanished. Based on her msaying of mbus, it looked like she had never had someone suck tiita for so long until she poured like that. On that day, she poured like three times.

After i finished climbing, I pushed her to her stage, No. 23 for Buru. Now, her stress had been transferred to me. My heart was beating even in ear because i was refusing to know what to do. All body parts, including my toes and nyees were shaking because i did not know what to tell the person.

The person's extreme excitement was making me feel sad, bad and angry with myself. She appeared was so happy and joked all the way. I tried to force myself to laugh but where.

I was trying to do mathematics of how much to give her from the 5 socks that had remained. There was not way i could give her all the 5 sock because i had to climb a mat back to Kinoo. After much consultation, I decided to give her 200 bob. Before removing the money from my pocket, i was counting 123 to prepare myself how to start and what to say to her.

When we reached KTDA where people climb mats for Buru, I finally filled myself 1234...started: " Ehh.. Shiru, unajua aje? Nika kitaumana small. Shika hii mia biri, kesho niko na pesa kama ya kuibiwo. Hata sio elfu biri nitakupea. Nitakupea elfu tano. Ni vile...."

I did not even finish giving the explanation due to the look I was getting from the person. She did not even take the two so. In loud voice, she said me "Whaaaat? You are a dog", then climbed a mat. All people around there looked at me and refused to know. Some started laughing at me, maybe thinking i was borrowing things on stage. To avoid more embarrassment, i removed from that place as fast as i could and climbed a mat to Kinoo.

From that day, the person never spoke to me again for sometime. But another climber never dislike each other. 6 months later, she started looking for me. Although i had heard with rumour how she had she had destroyed my name to her pals, saying I am of childish because I dont remove, i decided to forgive.

Akuku, in the meantime was trying to wrestle the person from me. He managed to climb her, he confessed to me later. Akuku is of devil.He has some peculiar habit with people's persons. If he sees a person looks like sun and is new, yellow yellow, malnourished and loves money in some extra ordinary manner, he tells the person he will be removing anything she wants, including paying her house and doing shopping. But woe unto them. Yes, first day, he will remove, but once thuruari is out, he blacklists the person and never talks to them again.

Have a nice weekend and dont forget to eat with makobosto. And if you want to be part of the stag, you can hit me on my email....

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Stag Party Extra Ordinare.. (Copy..)

Stag party is a secret  that is best kept between the people who were there but when Wanjohi attends one, its very difficult for it to be a secret anymore. At one time or another, I will  share with someone or worse still, people that read my blog. But no worries , I  will only share the part where i was involved because when i was allowed in, i was told that i keep my devils out of it.

I shared this same story on wanjohidaily.com earlier on last month, same day my host went under, and due to public demand, I have been forced to re-write it again.  Majority of you did not have a chance to read it, and in as much as it is boring to rewrite something afresh, from the scratch, and sometimes, you are not sure if i had added small salt aint the best thing. However,  I  will try my best, hopefully it will come out like the original one. I have gotten head and next time, i will learn to backup the stories before i click on publish button.

It all started when Sir Chaos told me that they were organizing a stag party for one of his best friends who was due to enter into the bondage of marriage. Some of you are not married and will never know this. The best thing that can happen to you is to get married (or marry). But for some reasons, your freedom goes, literally. Your nyees shake so hard when you get home late  (even if you've been drinking with the boys and no single person of out). Your life becomes 'our' life. You shake nyee when your phone rings because you dont know who could be calling at night. You simply stop being yourself.

For those who dont know what stag party is, it is where a, 'soon to be' groom  is given a good send off, that  includes the last last  'fling' because once you get married, you are only supposed to eat persons of out with eyes.

This was my first ever stag because the others i had been were held in strip clubs.Comparing this wild stag I attended with the others would do it a great injustice. If you've attended one in a strip joint, hang and hear what happens.

One Thursday night, a day before Mashujaa day,  a plan had been put in motion to set the groom up for a big surprise.The party was to be held in an exclusive upmarket area where only people with real steel nyees live.

On that day, we hooked up at  Njugunas. When I arrived, everybody looked to be  in great party mood except the groom.  Looking at him from far, he looked like he wanted to escape, until two guys were stationed to permanently guard him not to run away. Even his car keys had to be confiscated. After few drinks and equal equal meat, we set a journey to the venue.

The house, like i told you is not for people with no steel nyees. When we arrived in the exclusive mansion, we were welcomed by several gorgeous looking person of out. Over 20 hot persons of out that looked more than sun. If i lie, i am of devil. The least of them (read worst or ugliest)  looked like Janet Mbugua ( legs excluded). Tu yellow yellows, skimpily dressed, all in revealing dresses, few you could see thongs, but majority had nothing.

In a very spacious room, a  home bar had been set up in the far right corner. Sir chaos and me were the first to order drinks. Because Sir chaos had told me before that beer costs 150 and i had loose change, i was the first to order beer. After I handed over the 150 cash to the barman, he asked me what i wanted to take. I  told him Tusker. He looked at me in eyes without flinching, then asked me if i had good head. I said most people say i have. He told me that beer is 200 bob, only Rifa rori sell beer at 150.

I wanted to say mbu in protest but sir chaos told me to cool down, he will be topping up the extra 50 I was complaining about. I remembered Ishmael and Mwai and refused to know what they will think of me if they heard rumors that i was about to drink beer @Ksh. 200 and yet i stopped  taking what my uncle that lives behind university of Nairobi used to take (Whitecup- my favorite) because EABL decided it was for rich tummied individuals, i had to settle for less expensive though sugarless Summit lager. What i had failed to know was that before you go to suck places, you first drink beer from cheap places until you are drunk enough. When you go there, you only eat njaro with two or three drinks, feeling no pain.

From where we were seating on a couch, one person that looked like sun, voluptuous, clean shaved, hanging earrings,  black like the way Theuri likes because he says black attracts and maintains heat came and sat near us. She was quite breathtaking, was in high heels, lovely long legs of elephant and all she wore was a  fishnets dress NO PANTIE. After introducing herself, she asked if we were easy, to which we responded in the affirmative. Sometimes when i am sober small, I get a problem when a hot person of out sits next to me. I first fail to get words to tell the person. Again, i first must recite, in heart good English words to say to her, just incase she does not understand Greek or small swahili that i can talk. Before i could finish reciting what to say to her in english, Sir ponyokad with the person.

But all was not lost. There were many more that still looked like sun until one feared to approach some. Small time, a rather small person of out came and sat on my laps. The person was also black and malnourished and talked Swahili of Mombasa, unlike the other one that was talking in English. She had small brookie, those that can finish in your mouth when sucking. Her legs were also well formed and looked more accommodating to me because she was ready to engage me in swa, rather than English.  In my head,  the sane side of me started to talk and refusing to know what problem the persons had because they all looked like sun and there are many men out there that could, at worst, keep them and give them better lives.

I was at east with this one. Atleast she would undertand I am from bara. To keep her by my side, i decided to play clever. The first thing i asked her was if she has ever seen me anywhere. She looked at me and said i looked familiar. I told her to look me good because if she doesnt know me, then she does not even know herself. Having introduced myself properly to her as the main boss of where we all work, the person said to me "sweerie, wewe huvuta sigara?"  I told her i only drink bangi. When she heard i dont smoke, she told me to buy her cigarettes.

If i can remember right, my pastor had long time, told me never to buy anyone anything that can harm the body. He said if i do that, i risk being denied to see God with eyes. I know cigarettes can cause cancer and blurred vision (or future) and since i dont want to be in the bad books, i had to refuse. But since i could not refuse life life, i started to beat around the bush. Besides the health effects, they are very expensive because when I asked her how much it costs there, she said a packet of Drum-something goes for 200 bob, tax included. I told the person that the guy that had just left smokes and has a full packet of the same cigarettes and if she eat njaro small, she will reap patience.

To escape the temptations of buying the person a packet of cigarettes just incase  devil entered me, i removed from that seat and roamed around the place, at the same time, browsing what was going around there.

Within an hour, i had drunked over 5 expensive tuskers and was feeling more excited. Whenever I turned one side to the other, the only thing i could see were hottest Tanya looking persons.

When I returned to the couch, the same person came and sat  on my lap again. A little drunk, I became bolder and was now confident enough to touch her brookie and even to buy a packet of cigarettes. The person had no problem to my touching touching. Instead, she grabbed me by the head and forced my face into her firm brokie and made me suck each nipple, small small. Never mind, the room was dimly lit and no one cared what their neighbors were doing. Quite a mature crowd. From her very very mini skirt, i inserted hand and felt no thuruari, and the tiita was shaved completely. No single hair could be felt. Although she did not allow me to touch tiita completely, my tree was standing like iron thinking of how to enter a warm hole.

When the person saw i had died with her, she asked me to buy her beer. I asked her what i will get after she had drinked my beer. She told me i was all hers, anything i wanted. I asked what happens and she said it will cost me 2k for an experience i will never forget. I had been told before that climbing costs 500, so i started to bargain. I told the person that i could only give her 500. Seeing how serious i was, she told me the last she could take was a k. To make sure that she gives me the best of her, i told her how i once met a person that had tiita that once your tree was inside, you felt the tiita sucking tree from inside. I praised the person that had that hole so much until she told me that what she will give me will be the best i have ever gotten.

After we agreed, she asked me if it was ok to book room. I asked if there will be additional charges for room, to which she told me that rooms are never charged, even a kobo.

I told you before that i vowed never to eat trappers or anyone that asks for money prior to climbing. Giving money should be voluntary. To convince my mind to accept to eat a 'trapper', I told her to wait because i wanted to urinate. On my way to urinating, the devil whispered to me that after all, a whole is a whole, trapper or non trapper.

On my way to the latrine, i met one yellow yellow, very hot, dressed in a shiny red revealing night dress until i could see tiita. I called her and asked how much. She said 2000. Because i had now mastered the language of that place, i offered a k, to which she readily agreed. We entered the room that was next to the latrine that was available and closed it from inside.

The room had a 5x6 bed, well lit, and by any standard, an excellent and spacious room. I was still holding my beer when she started to unbutton my shirt as she kissed my neck. She then came down and started to suck my tits, small small then down my navel.

In all my life, to be very honest, i have eaten many trappers but i have never seen or heard of a trapper undressing a man. Even persons of out that we collect all over never do that. Infact majority of trappers, especially for short timer, only remove trouser and pantie, then lie on bed and ask you to come up and finish fast. In some instances, they will only push thuruaru on side and ask you to insert and pour. This was a kind of its type. Its very very hard to get such a real deal, unless, maybe you are a European.

After she finished unbuttoning the shirt, she unzipped and downed my trouser utpo to knee level, then grabbed my josto, which was sticking out like a flagpole. She sucked josto small, then nyees, but abandoned sucking nyees after a very short time. I did not know why she did that but i guess she felt salt salt on my nyees. I felt bad because, i would rather have them suck my nyees than riang'a.

In my head, i was refusing to know if I should touch her brookie and tiita to make her come on heat like me, but there are tenets to be followed when you are doing climbing for money. Never make them go on heat, you will just be wasting you time. You dont foreplay anyone that asks for money, thats wasting their precious time. Because my tree had standed like nothing, she removed makobosto and rolled them down the riang'a. After, she removed her see through night dress, threw it on the edge of the bed, then knelt on the bed, making me see the tiita from back. From her back, she held my josto and directed it on her tiita f (same stylo my grandpa warned me against) and started to say shhh..aaa shaaa even before the josto was completely in. In my head, i knew this was devil because she wanted me to think that i was making her feel mzuri and therefore, pour faster.

I inserted slowly and pumped small. After few pumps, I removed again and because i am of devil at times, i pretended i didn't know which hole was original or of nyeni. I tried to insert kwa nyeni and when she heard i wanted to insert kwa nyeni, she jumped and lay on her back and told me to come up. I know in her head, she was abusing me dogs and shaitani, but i cared less.

My trouser was still on my knee level and to jump to bed to do normal stylo, i had to remove it all. After i removed and threw it on side, i jumped on the person like hot ugali. I pointed the josto on her hole slowly and started pumping.

Whenever i am under the influence of alcohol (or other some illegal substances), my tree is always under my command. I am the one that tells it when to pour. Because i wanted to get a good deal for my money,  I wanted to try other stylos so atleast it pour naturaly without being told or induced pouring or without command, like when i am sobber. When i attempted to lift her leg to put on my shoulder, the person  told me no stylos, ati she gets tired and gets cramps if she gets climbed like that.

Once once, the devil was whispering to me to eat kwa nyeni, so I was regularly removing the tree from her hole. When the person saw that she will feel it inside kwa nyeni without knowing, she  warned me from removing tree again because she said that if i remove, makobosto will burst. There is nothing that makes me happy and secure like a person that protects herself from such risks. It tells me that she will never allow any man to eat her bila makobosto. Before returning my tree inside her kanonie, she applied saliva to lubricate her tiita. This was an indication that i was now boring her because before, she was wet wet.

I induced pouring by putting the image of the voluptuous clean shaved person that slipped my hands as i was reciting english words to tell her. Within few seconds, my nyees were shaking and eyes almost removed from its  sockets as i poured, seeing marudurudu.

After i dressed up, i paid the person her dues and removed from room, smiling as if i was the only person that had climbed and was going to climb.

I went to the counter and ordered another expensive beer. As i was passing, the swahili speaking person saw me  and came to me again. .She asked me where i went to. Like i owed her an explanation, i had been talking on  phone all through. She asked me if it was ok to book room because she wanted to give me an experience i will never forget. I told her it was perfectly ok, but i wanted to rest small.  To make her tulia small, i ordered one drink for her and proceeded to talk to some friends i had made inside there.

Just after a small time, I saw another person that looked more like sun and was smiling all through. I called her on the side and we started talking. Because she looked more than sun, i first tookher number because i wanted to call her one day where Theuri and crew w'd be so that they salivate. Again, i have been wanting to revenge on Theuri. (Since that time he stole my person, i vowed to come with a trapper, kwanza one that smokes, and let him steal her from me. In the morning, he will faint after he sees her light a cigarette.)The person told me she was a pupil at Catholic university.  I am a rather inquisitive person at times and i like fishing information that cant help me but this time, it was rather helpful because i know know where not to get a person of out.  This person told me that all those persons inside there were university pupils looking for some extra coins to pay fees, atleast 90% of them.

We agreed with the person and for the usual fee, i climbed the person. This was not so dramatic, she did not remove my clothes, i did myself, I did not attempt to eat her with stylos and also, i did not show my bad boys character. I wanted to gain her trust so that one day, she can come and be stealed by Theuri or i ringa with her. After all, no one will know that she at times, goes to stag and gets climbed by people holding a k on their mouths.

After i finished climbing her, the swahili person was still waiting for me. She had touched my josto and could not believe that such a zig zag could leave the place without climbing her. Reluctantly, I told her to book room.  By this time, each room had people waiting in queues to enter. Either, there were some guys that were pretending earlier that they dont climb and suddenly, they developed the urge to climb, all at the same time, or too many guys were going back for second or third time, which was allowed anyway.

After like 30 minutes, she secured a room. In that room, it had no bed and no lights. a huge mattress was placed on the floor.

I told the person that i cant climb  a person i am not seeing. I like seeing what i am climbing, especially if you talk swahili english. The facial expression  matters to me so much and seeing a person saying mbus gives me alot of pleasure. The person rushed out and came with a candle. The experience i got from this person made me regret why i did not take her as my first.

After she placed the candle, I took makobosto and  while I fumbled with it, she removed her dress. I lay on the mattress and told her to come up. She came on top of me and turned her back, then  leaned against me facing away, took my tree in an effort to guide it on her kamonie.  

She then lowered herself down, slowly, swallowing all zig zag. In turn, I pushed back against her as she said fake mbus loudly 'uuuu aaaa sss uuuuuu uuuu'. In.......... out..............in.....out became in.out.in.out.in.out.  After small time,I felt she was too met and some wetness was pouring on me, which i did not like. I told her to lie down as it was my time to come up.

Now on top, I positioned my josto on her tiita which was already wet. Not just wet but soaking wet. Since this person was not refusing me stylos, i took both her legs and placed them on my shoulders. Let me ramnya somebody, let me ramnya. And let the person say mbus, telling me to ramnya harder and harder. After small time, i freed her legs so that she throw them in the air as i ramnyad.

The mbus became louder and louder until other persons that were waiting to enter the room started to knock. They knocked and knocked telling us that we had overstayed.

After small time, i poured, although just a drop, one drop,  because i had poured two more times previously.

I dressed up and removed from room, now feeling angry with myself because it had started to dawn on me how much i had spend on climbing and beer.

After i removed from room, one guy called me aside and asked me how much i was paying. I told him i was paying a K. He told me that i was a fool because he has climbed three and had paid 500 bob. He told me that the best thing is, not to rush. It was only that all pour had finished, i would have loved to climb one for 5sock.

Tomorrow of that day, we met with akina Theuri, Akuku , mpesa and many others at Bee Center. I beat them stories on what happens on the other side of town. They okiad so much until all of them ate trappers that same evening.  Everytime Akuku saw a new person came to the group, he would ask me to repeat what i experienced there. 

They were so determined to go see what happens there until we have organized another party,  in some few days time. We wouldnt mind 10 more guests, so if you want to see with your eyes, you can hit me up to have you included on the list. No persons of out allowed though, even those that climb each other. You must be a josto carrier.  And what happens there remains there. @ wanjohikigogoine@yahoo.com

In the meantime, this person i climbed last (coast swah speaking person) has been calling me daily. I had been taking her calls with alot of suspicion. I dont know what I told her, maybe i told her that the person she was seeing is none other than a person that owns 200 trucks that go upto Congo or it was the josto she liked. But i suspect the earlier because, another day, she called and said "George, (lied to her i am called George), nimepatwa na shida kidogo. Nikopeshee 5k tafadhali". I told her i was in Ras Kamboni but she would never give up. She told me to send her Mpesa and no ammount of stories of giants would make her give up. She calls even at night until i had to throw my Safaricom line.

I Remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Muclimbano From The Least Expected Quarters

I am not a relative of Nguata Francis  but i can bet my all sidekicks that the rain that poured jana in some parts of Nairobi, including Eastern province ( from Shauri Moyo to Uyole) is the biggest fall this year so far.  That rain brought with it the mother and father of all jams and many other miseries along Jogoo and Outer-ring. If were driving along Jogoo Road or Outerring  between 6 PM and 3 AM,  you must have seen news you might not forget or see in many years to come.

I happened to be in that jam for a cool 7 hrs if my mathematics is right and had my share of joy and agony.

You might be wondering what took me to town on a Sunday. All people, including the Chairman refused to know what i had gone to do in town on a Sunday. It was all the works of the devil and the love of tiitas.  Because of a ka event that happens in that confusion,  I think it might make some good story somehow, especially if you are keen on saving. It doesn't work all the time, however.

A pal of mine had hire out his car to another dude that cannot be trusted too much with a big machine. My pal, after being paid car-hire money went to beat trapping in Naivasha and because the machine had to be returned on Sunday, he requested me to pick the car for him.  After I picked the car, i saw its tank was past quarter mark. I am used to driving cars that shows empty tank all the time. If it does not show empty, then you must know that i am on my way to the village or coffee has rippen over and above normal circumstances. Like many of us, I only drink enough petrol to take me where i am going, and anyway, along where i pass, there are so many petrol stations just incase it gets hiccups.

To remove the bad feeling of having a car with  past quarter  tank quantity, i decided to find a way to drink that petrol until lamp showed. I remembered some person of out that lives in Ngong who one time  wanted to put her thuruari on head for me but opted to throw her to one of my friends. She has been asking why i beat myself so much and i don't look anything.

It is the quarter filled tank that gave me the idea to call her for a visit. I called her and told her i had a 750 mzinga of Gilbeys that i wanted to drink with her. With excitement, she told me to zoom as fast as  I could.

There is nothing that fills me up like buying drinks and drinking in a person of out's house. It saves cost by 70%, for those who dont know. One, you buy the stuff from liquor store at wholesale price and two, no tu funny stuff like Taquilla shots and such. If it is nyama, you buy from a local butcher and let her cook in her house, at her cost (oops..with the  escalating gas prices, i feel for them). When the heats become too much, no paying room. Infact you start the frst joti, for those strong enough to go more than three on her couch.

I went to a  place behind Odeon where they sell hard stuff on wholesale (incuding bangi, if you drink). I bought two 750ml  for 9 socks (kwa club ni 2500)  each and one Kingfisher then  voooom.. thats me, until Rongai.

I picked one 750 from the car and walked towards her house. But before going to her house, i passed by a chemist and bought makobosto because i was sure that thuruari will be put on head before draining the 750. When i entered in her house, I met 5 of her friends (including two males, just imagine). In my head, it telled me that they had been called to remove a certain gathee that doesn't remove money easily and keep on postponing Friday and sato dates like a fool.

After lunch was served to me (damn. I hate chapos),  she went and bought coke madiaba to ready the ramnyaring of  the 750 that was initially  meant for the two of us. We drained the ki 750 within twenty minutes. Since i was not feeling anything, despite having taken like 4 Tuskers earlier on with the chairman, I decided to bring the equal equal thing there (I can be sirry at times eh? thats what you are thinking?).

I would have bought even four 750s of them but one guy was drinking as if its water and was talking too much. I dont like people that talk tooo much. Without battling an eye, I said in loud voice

" Eh, to kau ga 750 ni gathira i, turutei mundu meri meri, tugire cufa ingi igiri.Icio ingi ninguongerera" (E, because that one has finished, let us remove each 200 bob and bring another two bottles. I will add the rest). One person of out, i guess, in her entire life had never heard of a man with two real nyees asking ladies to contribute money for beer. But because i remain true to myself, all these persons were working and earning, so, no need to hard hit only one person.   I removed 500 bob and said i have paid for the host. I asked the person to take money from the others and give me, i add the rest. The guy that was not talking too much removed a K and gave to the host. I dont know how the rest was raised but within no time, two more 750 was on the table. I wanted the money handed over to me to go source so that I can also bring the extra 750 I had in the car and say i have bought together.

We drank and beat stories until 7 something. The guy that was drinking as if Gin is water was now refusing to know himself. When he realized he might break in someone's house, he removed from the room and went away.

I was getting impatient and angry at the same time because the other four were not giving themselves shuguli. I expected them to leave after all drinks finished because I was supposed to be the man of that house on that day :).  I must say that they did not have head at all because they did not seem to be in a hurry to leave. It was until 8ish that they left but only after they heard that i was on my way too.

When they left, the person came and sat on my lap. I removed the left brookie small without fear or favor and started to suck. I then papasad small and when i tried to insert hand to feel tiita, the person stopped me. I stopped sucking the brookie and asked kwani what was up.  She laughed small and told me "Wooi, Wanjohi nduri na bahati umuthi, ndina mashiru" (Wanjohi, you have no luck today, I have Mashiru"  I had never heard that word again but since a clever person has no given of news, i filled myself that mashiru = month. My tree, which had started to throb small small suddenly died. I tried to manufacture lies in my head of what to say because i wanted to be out of that house as soon as I could.

When this person saw the disappointment expression  on my face, she knelt down in front of me, unzipped my trouser, removed the zig zag and to make short story shorter, she sucked my riang'a until it poured. But one thing i must say is that she did not let any poured lost away.  When i saw how she was swallowing, i kept on saying a silent prayer that she does not make a move of kissing me. In this instance, i swear i would have refused life life. I was told before by Theuri that if a person of out swallows your poured, she  will love you /loves you like nothing. I dont know about that but with pouring or not, I dont consider pouring as climbing. Cant be. To convince my head that it has climbed, my rianga must enter somewhere warm with the owner of the warm thing saying mbus small small (and must be a tiita holder).

After I poured, she still continued to suck small small. There is nothing that makes me feel thithi and bad like somebody playing with my zig zag when i have poured. I dont like it at all. To stop her from torturing me further, i came up with 1000 excuses on why i should leave there there. Like a person of out with good head and who want to maintain someone, she did not oppose even one second. The only people that oppose men from leaving are those that don't want you to come again and again. (Thats why you find many persons failing to keep a guy)

Along the way, i felt that it will do me more good if i pass by Koinash to see trappers, just to satisfy heart. From top of Koinange until bottom, I only saw two trappers, who by the way did not have their 'official uniform'. That means that they looked like any other ordinary person in the streets, so i felt nothing.

After Koinange, I had realised that my shina phone had finished credit. I drove upto Ambassador because all other places were closed. By that time, it was drizzling small small. From the stage, there is this person of out that was standing where Double M carry from. After she saw me, she smile at me without ending. She looked like sun, yellow yellow, although she is the malnourished type. I hardly smile back at persons I dont know without knowing why they are smiling at me,  so I passed near her, said hi and passed to enter a small shop infont of a cafe to buy card. As i continued to wonder who that person was,  small time, i remembered the person. She works in an exhibition in town. The person also happened to come from Cambodia side of this country, but did not have single accent of Cambodians.(Syoks should meet this person. You will thank me!)

After i bought my card, i returned there to greet her again so that she does not think that t i was  doing myself. She had indeed thoughted that i was doing myself becaue she told me "Biggie, ningeshangaa kwani mko na nani juu ulipita tu bila story mob, na vile wewe huongea kwanza shit"

The person has been removed suckers enough  times, but not by people i know, but i can bet on that. After talking only small, she told me she was on her way home in Buru and had standed at that stage for more than 2 hrs and no bus had come. She told me the only one she saw was charging 200 bob and no other had come. I told her i was on my way to Eastlands and offered her a lift.

Some two gentlemen that were standing next to her woke their ears and looked at me with thaa so that I lift them too. One guy developed steel nyees and told me to give them lift if i was going to Jogoo road. Because sometimes it is not good to carry men, you may never know, they might open your boot, i told them that the car was full. I told them that even that person will sit on somebody.

The person followed me to the car and immediately, we beat it fire towards Jogoo road. From the look of things as we left town, i could see there was a mat crisis. There were many passengers waiting for mats, especially Eastern province route and at one time, i felt bad for not lifting the two guys. But to console myself, i said that it is better to leave them than to have my nyee cut or boot opened.

As we were moving, I checked on the fuel gauge and  realized that it had dropped small, almost to the last bar and once once removing lamp.  With the experience i have, that means that you are on reserve and could drive from Nairobi to Thika without adding fuel. Because I wanted the person to know that I was driving a turbo engine, I was pressing on the accelerator peddle so hard to remove the desired effects, at the same time, unknowingly, drinking too much fuel.

When we reached near Ruto's appartments, that is where we saw jam start. I deviated to a chochoro inside makadara so that we could remove at phase 5. Inside the estate, jam was moving, although small small. We moved at snail, though i was following a mat that was overlapping until we reached near phase 5 where cars had closed each other on all lanes and no car was moving.

All these time, we had not talked anything sensible, only about job small, how business in exhibitions has become undoable because of high rent and low margins, and had asked her about some few persons of out i knew but did  not know where they went,  and  cursing motorists that were overlapping and closing all sides.

We had reached a dead end by now. All cars had been switched their engine and lights off. It was still raining small small. It is then that i remembered i still had a whole 750 on the back seat. I asked the person if she will take small. She said yes. I poured some on some empty water bottles  for her and for me. We mixed the contortion with Kingfisher and water. I was already high myself, so i was only taking small. Again, i dont like hard stuff. I'm so royal to my summit. Ideas had started to crop in my mind now and to  make her head get confucious small, i told her that  Gin does not like to be drinked slowly, otherwise, tomorrow it will punish you heavily by giving you a mighty  hangover.

After one hour, we had not moved an inch and there appeared no hope of moving. But on the other side, my person had opened up to me small small. One thing led to another, although i cant remember how i started, i found myself sucking her very tiny brookie.

All this time, The Chairman and a man called Kiama were not giving me peace. The chairman owed me two beers and kiama wanted to show me his person.  But what they did not know was that i was in the middle of a person of out of Cambondian origin that looked like sun and knows how to spin (they are good in that, yea) and traffic jam. Kiama, if you remember is this guy that will never give me peace  if i call a person of out near me at HB umo. He comes to my ear and says "uthekereirwo muno guku tondu riu winario ni ikoro. Kire gikueherere" (You have been laughed at so much because what you have is peeled. Tell her to get off your back)

 As i was caressing one brookie and sucking the other, I felt  my belt being unclasped and then, my zip being opened. Then, slowly, inserted her hands and grabbed the zig zag which was standing like nothing. 

 As she touched touched my zig zag, I moved my hand from her brookie, down her tummy as i prayed not to get month, then down under her thuruari. There’s nothing more thrilling than your hand being inches away from tiita that you are not sure you will eat. Inserting further down, I felt she had not shaved all, or it was now growing, some hard hair. i continued to insert hand and when i was some few inches away from her kamonie I felt she was wet already. 

I removed hand and made the seat to lie down, then moved her zip down. All this, i was not sure if she will refuse or not. But i was determined to make her to get on heat until she begged me to climb her. I moved her trouser down and with no struggle, she lifted herself up so that it can remove completely. When she saw i was struggling, she removed it together with a white hot pant herself and threw it on dashboard. I removed it from dashboard and threw it on the backseat. 

With my three fingers,  I made circles around her tiita  and worked on the inside of kamonie until she was extremely extremely wet and warm and saying small mbus. As I was doing this, we  kissed while she stroked my tree as she increased the small mbus and moaning. 

I removed from her mouth and went back to her tiny brookie. As i worked on it , suddenly, she pushed me away. I thought she was going to stop me from any further action. Instead she went down and started to suck my zig. I did not want for her to suck for long because some few hours back, it had been sucked in Ngong until it poured. Again, i feel nothing when my tree is getting sucked. I feel nothing.

After just a while, she got up and kissed me then asked in almost low tone, “ Babie, you want to do me?”. Very fast, i replied, "Yeah babie".

"You have a cd?" I first lied to her that I didn't. She did not however appear amused.

I pushed her on her seat, removed my trouser completly, then jumped infront of her, pretending that i was serious abut the cd issue. I was worried because she appeared like she could let me in without because one leg was placed on the dashboard and the other almost on my shoulder. I was disturbed small but was able to fight it though.

I took my trouser and removed makobosto. She refused to know how i carry makobostos on my pocket, based on the expression that was registered on her face. Or maybe she wanted a meat to meat? be the judge.

If i lie, i will go to devil. To be very honest, if I did not have makobosto with me, i would have still  ranmyad bila. That kitu was quite something to be let off just like that (pun intended anyway).

After positioning the riang'a on her hole, it slid straight in there as she moaned. I ramnyad and ramnyad withut fearing anything. It was raining outside and all cars had switched their engine and lights off. It wasn’t long before she started moaning in big voice and her contractions and convulsions becoming more intense, an indication that she had poured. I continued to ramnya because I dont pour fast when under the influence of Gin. I ramnyad that thing until she poured for the second time (thats a record i put there).

I guess all this took like an hour or so and still, not a single car had attempted to move or switch the engine on. I told her that we will not put clothes on because i will ramnya another one. (I have bored you with lots of details, right? full story on muclimbano part  will be a story on itself when wanjohidaily.com returns).

We relaxed as we continued to swallow gin and once once fbooking. When she saw me fbooking, she asked to invite me. If you have good head, you cant tell a person of out that you are wanjohi. Wanjohi plays under the water, you know. So, i gave out my pals's fb account. I was eager to know if i had just climbed wanjohidaily fan, so i asked for f names too to search. Phew, only 6 mutual friends and not a friend of Wanjohi.

After two hours sittin on the jam again, the jam started to open, although small. When a small space was created, i started the car to move to the space but ole wangu. It  was only starting and cooling immediately. There there, i knew that petrol had finished. There there, i knew i had been climbed.Because i wanted this person to know that the machine was a Twincam Turbo engine, I was pressing the peddle so hard  until it drank fuel like it is in 2004 when super was 65 bob.

I told the person that petrol had finished and had to go buy. I put back my clothes on and I went to the boot and like many motorists, it had a jerrycan for emergency (not necessarily petrol. Even water :) ). I picked and walked towards Total petrol station, some few meters away. It was also raining small. Walking on that road, water was reaching upto knee level. As i was walking on those water, my nyees were shaking because i did not know if there was any open sewer. On my way, I counted three cars with their bonnets opened, meaning, they had broken down, drank water or felt cold. To remove cold when its cold is not a joke.  When i reached at the petrol station, there were 7 guys lining up with jerrycan to buy fuel. The guy at the fuel station told us that he has sold more fuel by jerrycan than he had filled cars since morning.

I went back to the car,dripping water and shaking like a rained shiken, i refueled it. I had to make an artificial funnel by folding a  note. When i finished, i returned to the car, smelling petrol all over and dripping with water.

Continued tomorrow...

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.

How She Made Me Remove Like A Burier of His Grandma

There is something i like too much about Theuri. He is not a respecter of persons of out. Whenever a person of out brings nyoko nyoko or beats themselves, me i try to soothe them, but for theuri, is different. He tells me "Munene, andu aya mari haha ni undu wa mbeca citu. Gutiri undu maTukuaga, no mbeca mendete. Mwire athie akamie"  (Leader, this persons are here because of your money. They dont carry you anything. Tell them to go to latrine and mia)
Despite being his student many on how to deal with persons of out, I sometimes forget and ends up loosing too badly.  I lost badly some few days ago for not listening to Theuri's counsel. It it was you, tell me what you would have done.

I had gone for some errands in Eldoret when all this happened. Because the task was to take me like two days, the first thing i did was to look for a cheap hotel or something more friendly to my pocket. The first place i landed, after getting advise from a pal was a place called New Castle Motel. When i inquired about the fee, i was told that they were charging 2500 a night for single. I refused to know because Jeremani is in Nairobi and they can never ask for even half of that for a double.

I checked into a hotel opposite the castle which was charging a K (Cant remember the name of that hotel, if you know Eldi, it is opposite the Castle). Since i had gone there to work and not to enjoy, i said bad is bad. Again, sleep has no grade. Whether you sleep at Hilton or kwa Njenga or sleep standing, it is still sleep. The bottom line is to wake up.

After I finished work at around 8ish,  i tried to inquire from the guys in that office about the clubs that says in Eldi. Either they were saved, or comes to that town with their eyes closed or only knows clubs of Rifa rodi of Eldi because the clubs they were directing me to had beaten like nothing. Since i was no interested in their company that night, given that they  looked like scratchers of skins (pun intended), given that  the month was at the corner and i did not want to be with some guys we coudn't do equal equal, I opted to browse the town alone.

Like a traveler i am, i know where to get the latest information on such stuff. I called one taxi man and asked him to tell me the club that says in Eldi. The reason i was looking for a club that says is because i knew that was most likely the club where pupils of Moi University goes to party. I was looking into climbing one of the pupils but not to destroy money, so dont worry my visiting an expensive pub.

The taxi man directed to one Legend club. On a weekday, the club was full small, partly because some teachers of University had refused job because they want a hike. These actions made many pupils free to do anything anytime they wanted because no class.

Like a gentleman, I sat and ordered my drink as i surveyed to see who looked like had thuruari on head. I spotted one that looked like sun that was seated with two more that didn't look anything. To be very honest, if Nairobi we had half as seductive persons, people that sew trousers would have to come up with a way because all men trees will remain standing all day long.

The first  tenet to attract attention of any person of out that looks like that in a bar is to threaten them with beer, and many beers. You call waiter and send beer to the one you are interested in.  It may backfire at times, yes,  and you loose the money and your precious time but this game is all about gambling anyway.

I told the waiter to tell take one Tusker herbal to her and tell her it has come from  Dr. Wanjohi, a senior gynecologist in Nairobi and a relative of you dont have to be told over and over. In Eldi, i had heard that you cant threaten a person with money, they are used to being threatened by the vast wealth of the many athletes but if you want them to put it on head, you must have such title like mine, they are very rare.

When i saw she smiled when beer was placed on her table and told who i was, i told the waiter to ask her to join me for more drinks as we talked more and knewed each other more. It was like she was waiting for that. She rose up with her drinks and joined my table.

I first refused to know if i was dreaming because she was real sun. And she had dressed on those stockings you see tiita clearly. My first reaction when i see tiita that I am not ramnyaring there there is to beat heart even on my ears.  After it became apparent that i was not dreaming, I introduced myself again and told her giant story of how i had come to see some friends of my uncle called Ruto, although he bounced and left me at lights because he was phoned by son of Jommo to meet in Nairobi urgently because there was some money that had been stolen, meaning some quick political mirage.

After the stories of giant finished, I called the waiter and told him to sell to us, and to bring double double for her although ceteris paribus,  I only buy one. I tell myself that if the manufacturers had the intention of the drink coming double double, they would have deviced bigger bottles for that purpose instead of incurring costs of two bottles for one person per round. She said i buy for her friends too. I did not return, only pretended i did not hear.

Before the waiter left, she called him and told him that she cant take any Tusker Herbal again, can only take Wine. On the mention of wine, i felt nyee freeze because i knew by the time you finish feeding her enough wine, it will be tomorrow.  Again, at that quantity, it is illegal to buy so little for so much. I felt like crying or saying mbus because my chance of getting josto inside this sun was being blown away. In her head, i could read what she was saying "ngoma ino ndihana kuruta mbeca, reke nyue wine igue ruo rwa mbeca" (This devil does not look like he can remove good money. Let me drink wine so that he feel pain of money).

To remove the bad feeling, i went to the latrine to call Theuri to tell him how bad luck had befallen me. Theuri laughed small, then told me "Wina bahati muno. Reke anyue ta ithano. Ya gatandatu, agukorwo agikuria murathie rumu thaa cigana. Akumirutira kirafu. Yaga kuma unjite Ng'ang'a" (You are lucky. Let her drink wine. By the time she will be on her 6th, she will be asking where rooms are. She will remove in the club. If that fail, call me Ng'ang'a".

To show her i know alot, i started discussing how Al shabaab had been climbed kwa Nyeni by our mighty army. I told her how, when i was there, how this Linda Nishi was planned long time and we have been itching to climb them for a long time. Stories of giants became too much, even at one time dropping the title Dr. to a security consultant. Although i know sometimes i was confusing myself  big time but all in all, we were all drunk and nobody remembers what you were saying in a bar, unless you are a fool or you were sober when others were talking.

When we refused to know ourselves, i told her we go to my room for muclimbano. Because i had told her that i was circumcised Kikuyu fashion, where a dongle is left hanging to scratch well, i refused to know where i will tell her it has gone.

We took a Taxi to the hotel and when i pointed to her the room we were entering,  even before disembarking from the taxi, she said she cant go there. She said i would rather find a better hotel because the standard of that was too low. I refused to know but later, i was told that that hotel is equivalent to Sabina Joy aka Karumaindo (apparently, Karumaindo is now a members club. So, if you are at ambassador and want to urinate or have one during the day, dont fear to enter, it has now an elevated status. You can call Mutuho and all police and tell them you are drinking beer at 11AM, they cant do anything). In that Sabina joy  of Eldi, all trappers go there and even get climbed in the corridors, just like Sabina joy of Nairobi.

I told her to show me a better one because i had lied to her that the Castle Motel  was fully booked and thats why i booked there one she refused to enter. The taxi man said to the next hotel, we will pay a total of  700 bob. I was made to understand that we were headed to a hotel called Klique hotel.Before asking for price, the place looked more classy than Castle Motel by far, making me believe that they will ask for 4k+ but when the attendant told me for single I pay 2000 bob, i felt re-leaved. Had i paid for Royal when i first entered, i wouldn't have lost the K because i had paid at Sabina joy of Eldoret.

When we reached room, she asked if i had bought makobosto. I told her not yet, so i rushed down to buy and came back, expecting to find the person with no thuruari at all. That thought alone made my tree stand like nothing, almost tearing my trouser. I was teling myself that i have even found some image to be using when i want to pour fast.

But what i found when i entered almost made me refuse to know. She appeared like she was about to vomit. After small time, she vomited and vomited and when she finished, she told me that she had terrible headache and wanted to know which med she should take. Being a doctor, I told her she needed some Panalifed Sceptoriosis for faster healing. I however told her that even panadol extra can as well do. She told me to take her to a chemist downstairs to buy the prescription. Being past mid night, we found the chemist already closed. She told me there was another shop open a few distance away.

We started walking down ad the ka route we took, abit dark made me feel like i was being taken to a place  where they buy nyees when still hot.

 When we reached, not far from the road anyway, she told me to wait small so that she knocks at that shop. She told me that because she is known, the owner cant refuse to open. After small time, somebody opened the gate. She stepped inside, then told me "Wanjohi, have a good night" and closed the door behind her.

I refused to know what kind of game was that. Shaking nyee for fear of the area and shaking nyees even more for being played like that, i returned to my room, thinking of crying loudly.  As i was seated on the bed thinking of where to get a person because nyees were now paining, it is then that i knew what had happened.

The person had intention of getting climbed but when she heard where i had first booked room, either my CV dropped drastically from being a relative of the main man here to a bonoko relative or a very suspicious character (Onyancha maybe) or she touched josto and refused to know if that is the josto that will climb her. With the zig zag nature that it has, many persons are bound to fear, unless they are used to jostos like that. The breed is however rate, you know.

The other version, either  she was looking to punish me for not buying her friends beer. To punish me more, she makes me pay room and makes me buy makobosto, then initiates vomiting (voluntarily by inserting fingers on the throat) so that she vomit ( you can try it too and post the result here) to get an excuse of leaving room. Again, either she was a trapper of medicine and when she saw i am untrappable , she said no need to waste her time. But i salute that person, no person has ever made me escort her in a crime prone area, and wait until her gate  is opened. No one has ever done that to me. I swear!

Had it not for the next story, because some things happened same night, i would have destroyed names of  all persons of out from Eldi and all Moi university pupils. Both Okuyos and Kales.

Continuation of this, where muclimbano happened follows ....

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Stag Party Extra Ordinare

http://www.wanjohidaily.com/2011/10/28/stag-party-extra-ordinare/

When my Person Was Eaten By A CEO

http://www.wanjohidaily.com/2011/10/19/when-my-person-was-eaten-by-ceo/

Nigerian Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine

http://www.wanjohidaily.com/2011/10/13/nigerian-wanjohi-wa-kigogoine/