Extra Ordinary Sidekicks

I am the least of you all that subscribes to stereotyping but you will forgive me on this one. I am the least but the least in me fears two types of person. A person of out from Kabete and a Cambodian.

I had to think twice before writing this stuff because i know i will receive thorough bashing from every second person that reads this. But since you cant do anything,  I will write as it was.

It is from my personal experience. Not a story of giant.  The story of mukabete is real and it can happen to you.  

99% of my friends shake nyees when they hear of Mukabete. If you tell Theuri that a person has married a mukabete, he holds his chin and says "Ati ahikirie mukabete? kwisha yeye". He says you would rather one from Nyeri that will beat you up anytime but for Mukabete, naah. He says you can run away from beatings but cannot run from 'love'. I dont know if its true but he says that once you accumulate money, they will then look for what to eat you.

I dont know where Lugali drew boundaries of  Kabete but the Kabete we know starts from Kikuyu and stops at Gachie. Kikuyu is the place where cameras of  Michael Njenga of Citizen failed when he was covering jujus. They did not fail in Mombasa, Ukambani but when they reached Kikuyu, they refused completely to record. And Gachie you all know, is the place i told you long ago that if you go to a local butchery and order meat of burnt, some dudes will wait until it finishes to burn. When the butcher-man bring it on the table, 4 other guys with atleast a tooth missing will appear and wash hands with you. They then order for ugali and sit next to you.   If you complain, you pay Ugali bill too. If you dont talk (because of fear), they pay the Ugali bill. Once they are finished, they go out to wait for another person to come and put meat.. 

I remembered the story when i heard Prof. Hanington Mugweru of Inooro fm say how people that look tough on the outside get sat on by a sidekick. They shake too much and there is nothing they can do about that.

I once had this 'sidekick' from Kabete that was like no other. To be fair to the truth, she did not look like sun completely, but had figure of sun. The person used to work in a prestigious organization. Human nature (or is it just me) have a tendency to 'like' or admire persons that work in such places. If you tell me that you work for the UN and looks like an orangutan, I will still find it ok to ramnya. I dont know why it is like that but that is it. (or is it a dormant gigolo in me?)

This person was not working for UN but another organization that only employees stainless steeled people. I was getting some services from their company when we met. It started small small until i found my way to her tiita.

I cannot tell if i was blinded by 'love' or it was tree i was picked for but people around me used to say that i was given trees. When i look behind, I also think it was either very powerful tu trees or I was the biggest fool alive at that time.

She used to tell me that she had a boyfriend. In short,  she wanted us to play chini ya maji. She used to tell me her man is a very bad tempered man, just like his peers in Meru. She told me that if the boyfriend learnt that i was eating his things,  I would get an instant transfer to Kepler 22b.  No one would want to go prematurely to Kepler 22b because one, its a long distance and two, no one is 100%  sure if they will not be sent to the hot side.

Her man was a Miraa trader. His visit to Nairobi were occasional and when he was here, he kept himself busy with miraa at a joint in Eastleigh. For those who have experience with Miraa, you know that it makes you see tiita as an enemy of tree, especially if you eat them daily.

This person had literally instilled fear and terror in me. I used to literally shake upto my very last toe when i saw her calling. If i delayed picking the call, maximum 15 seconds, that was a story.  If i talk in a noisy place, that was a story. If i dont call her three times in a day, that was a story. If she met me with more than 4 friends, that was a story . I feared her like nothing for nothing.

The other side of her was different. She used to buy rounds. She used to lend me money when i was broke. She used to call and tell me how she loves me. The nice things that blinds you. 

I was literally obsessed with her. I once punched a friend very hard until he fell under the table for saying that i should not call my maraya where we were. After he recovered from shock and removed from under the table, he said that something was very wrong with me and i need to be prayed for because it like she had cast a spell on me. I kicked him on his nyees until he stopped breathing for 5 minutes. .

There are so many incidences but the one that I dont like remembering even today is this one i will tell you today.  

As usual, we had planed to climbana but her man showed up in Nairobi unexpectedly. When i asked what will happen, she told me that i will ramnya once her man had finished. In the evening, they were drinking at club called Disney in Eastleigh. After work, i took a mat to Easich to wait to wait for the man to finish.

When I entered, I saw the person with a man, so huge until i wanted to run away. The man was same size as the guy that acted Iddi Amini. In my head, i was thinking maybe she had learnt, through rumors that i was climbing another person and was looking a way to dispatch me  in a way there will be no evidence.

Still shaking, i sat from far and ordered a Tusker. When she saw me , she rose and went to the latrine, then called me on my phone.  I went to the latrine to meet her and also to know how. She gave me a K and told me to drink Tuskers as i waited for her to finish with the giant. She told me that since the giant does not last even 5 minutes, I should wait and when he leaves, I enter and sleep there until morning. 

When she went back, the man started to fondle her. I felt gikindi choke me but since she like belonged to him, i swallowed it.(Reminds me how Akuku used to feel bad after seeing a married woman he was climbing with her husband). Small time, they rose to go to the room. Shortly, she sent me a text saying that she will let me know once the giant has gone.

When they went to the rooms, the manager came and we started talking. He was my friend for sometime and he knew the person was mine. He asked me what  went wrong with my person. I told him that  was the thief and i was waiting for him to leave room so that i can enjoy free room. He only smiled and gave an impression that  he had seen such cases many times.

I began to imagine how i will ramnya her tasteful tiita, although it will have been eaten half by the original owner. Although her's could never be compared with the one that had hole that appeared as it it had sand inside, hers was average, but extra ordinary in this sense. When removing josto, walls of her kamonie used to remove with it too. So, i used to enjoy looking as i enter and remove.

Hours and hours passed without the guy leaving. My tree had  readied to ranmnya but hope seemed to fade with every passing minute. The beer stopped tasting good because, all i was thinking was how she was getting ramnywad while i was being beaten by cold in the bar. At 4AM, I gave up and went home. .

At exactly 6, the person called me. When she heard i was not in the bar, she went hysterical there there.  Shaking all parts of my body, including my ears, I climbed matatu very first upto Disney again.

 I knocked on the door, shaking small because i was not sure who will open and again, i was not sure how she will react. She opened for me while still stark naked. When she saw me, she started to throw fit,  saying i dont love her nor care about her.  I asked her why, she said that if indeed i cared, i would not have left, I would have stayed until her man left. I tried calmed her down but where. Part of the reason why i was calming her down was because I wanted to climb. The things were displayed for me but you cant climb a person sobbing. Another thing, I felt some powerful forces telling me that i owed her, i had the duty to care.

She calmed small and lay facing up. Tiita was being displayed to me but could not eat. It was same like seing tiita in picture. I started to think how the giant was eating the tiita with no mercy and badly, yet me that eats good and takes care was going to eat by head

When i attempted to touch, she cried more and more, saying that i only like climbing her and that i was not sensitive to her emotional feeling. In my head, I was also refusing to know what i was lacking. I failed to know why i was stooping so low but could not get answers. But the more i tried to get answers, the more my tree stood.

After she finished throwing the fits, i watched in disbelieve as she dressed up.

Anyway, I dont believe it was tree but the ukabete in her. They know how to handle men until you refuse to know themselves. Once you refuse to know yourself, they keep you under their armpits. Love blinds.

About the Cambondians: Mmmm... I know what you are thinking. Its not juju. Its the way they give you tiita. They give you tiita so good until you lost your home and shift to hers. The way your give tiita also blinds.

But woe unto those that ramnyas ones from Nyeri and Muranga. Nyeri will beat you up if you stay long before pouring. Muranga ones will tell you to pour faster because they want to go back to Muthuari to sell mari mari. The last two are only good for PMs because they will make money for you. A good man would also need someone to beat them up when they misbehave. But if you want to feel mzuri, or if you already have money and is looking for people to spend with, either Cambondian or Kabetites.

I am as guilty as charged.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine