I have so many stories to beat to you until i am refusing to know where to start. I have muclimbano stories, including the stag party one and several others but since I dont want you to end year with your tree standing, I will reserve that for January. For now, I will update what happened during the first day of the holiday season.
I should have written this in the morning but i woke up in the at 3PM after Sir chaos made me drink Yohana Mtembezi until morning. The disadvantage of Yohana is that it makes you get drunk with manners, not hobera hobera. It cant make you refuse to know yourself. And if you want to refuse to know yourself, you must drink many many and in hurry and due to its prohibitive price, one must drink slowly slow, especially if you are not the one buying, rest you are told to do equal equal. God knows i cant buy even a tot of Johny Walker, unless devil has entered me. When you take a sip of Yohana, you know well that one sip is equal to one full Summit. So, jana i took 100 summits? God forbid.
When some of you traveled to Mombasa and Maasai Mara for the holidays, I traveled to the village. I would have loved to be in Mombasa to eat happy like you but my wallet has been experiencing severe acute malnutrition for the last three months after one of my partner broke his hands, hence he cant sign cheques :) Ok. Let me stop unyee, it is the dollar that had been causing that but in January, we will have money like of thiefs because dollar has finally stabilized. I can sell what i had hoarded since Nov.. To subject myself conditions, like going to Mombasa is an outright death sentence.
But when you were busy eating happy, i was busy being installed a village elder. Those that
follow me on twira or facebook were able to follow the coronation life life because i was reporting it as it was happening.
I earned the title through my ability to do fundraising for their beer for the entire period and my ability to bring people, some I don't even know together. What I did was to make some few of us that come from the city do equal equal for several crates of Allsopps beer and KCs and several other stuff i cant recall their names, only if i see the containers.
In my village, all people hold me with much respect because i was the only one that never drinked cigarettes or entered bars when I was in school. I also never drank bangi openly, making me one of the most valued sons of my village. For Theuri, he started drinking cigarettes and eating persons openly immediately he got circumcised, so, he grew up being disliked far more, because of even talking too much. So, when word spread that i had been seen enter a local, all former school mates, most of them high on yokozuna 24/7 and former teacher traced us in one of the bars.
"We Wanjohi, we read with you, Wanjohi, i taught you, Wanjohi, xyz.."chorus was all i could here. Enjoying attention in the village comes with many costs, chief among them, financial. When they asked for beer, I would tell them to beat round small and come back because Mpesa was experiencing delays.
Small time, I heard Theuri say to Mafiosa "Niui Mutongoria ni kabia mwaniki. Arumaga akihuhaga. Aya andu monire wanjohi utuku matimui. No nake, umuthi niaguitana, ngu make sure ni maria mbeca iria ciothe enacio" (You know wanjohi is rat mwaniki, that eat small small, you dont see the harm. I will make sure all money he has is eaten by these people singing him"
Since the people were not bulging at all, they sat next to us. When i asked what they will drink, they said they will drink some stuff costing 120 for a 750 ml. Theuri protested and said that i should not buy them that, at worst, atleast KC. He told them "Nimui uyu riu ni mutongoria na ena mbeca muno. Niwe wandikagira Jaguar Nyimbo, kinya Kigeu geu niwe wandikire. I mutikimui ndari mukigu cukuru." (This man is a leader. He is the one that even writes songs for Jaguar, including Kigeugeu. You know he was not foolish in school, right?)
At that time, beer had catched me well, so i told them that I was indeed the one that composed Kigeugeu. I told them that Jaguar was my friend and we talk everyday. I told them that he such a friend that i can punch him on face and make him say sorry to me for punching him. The guys, either through my imagination, or theirs appeared to believe me. To prove my point, i told them i even have his number.
In my phone, i have a contact name saved Jaguar. Its not a real name. The owners's real name is Marto but to easily differentiate the many matos i have, and i don't like saving him Marto Kandinya, i decided to save him as Jaguar. I think i have told you before about this Marto before. Is the same guy I told you that in his life, since i knewed him like 5 years ago, he has never entered a bar with a person of out and he has never left a bar without a person of out. He measures and within no time, especially when they get drunk, identifies one, even if its of owner and removes with them. The only time i saw him enter was one time and when he called them, he said 5 should come. You can imagine two people buying beer for 5 persons at club Sylk. Isn't nyees going to stomach?
Most of the persons, when they see his phones, they never resist because their main intention is to steal his phones. But woe unto them because even if they steal the phones, they are all insured. Marto is not fun of beer but you all know those that dont drink do what? Eat as many persons as they can. I would have loved to tell you how many persons he ate during the stag but since he reads this blog and he has a service voucher he promised to give me, I dont want to risk him withdrawing. Just incase he reads here, Marto did not eat any person. Only me ate. No one else ate. Only Wanjohi. (Long when i write about this)
To prove my friendship with Jaguar, I removed my phone and dialed 'Jaguar's' no. 'Jaguar' picked phone and when i told him i have his fans that wanted to talk to him, he obliged and talked to like 10 people. I don't know what they were saying, but since he knows I used to drink bangi and sometimes it ririmukas, he let it pass.
Theuri then told them that i also write for Njogu wa Njoroge what to say in the morning. He told them that what he says does not come from head but reading like news, all written by me. I told them that i drink with him every Friday and Saturday at Citrus Inn. I told them that i don't even call him Njogu, i call him Gashogu because he is shorter than me and fears me. I asked the group who wanted to speak to Njogu and three lifted their hands. I went to my phone book, edited one Chairman's no and saved it as Gashogu ka Nyawira. When i dialed his number, it appeared like i was now calling Gashogu.
The chairman, who was drinking at in Kiriaini beer of 95 bob talked to me small and after talking small, I told him there were people that wanted to say hi. Thinking it was persons of out, he heard it were men, calling him Njogu. He refused to know and cut the phone. When he cut, i told them that Njogu does not like being disturbed, and they all understood. I don't know how many other people i manufactured, so if i called you on that day and you talked to some people, don't think it was the devil that had catched me, i was trying to prove friendship existence of some people. The 120 beer made them drunk very fast and small time, they all left, some falling falling due to drunkenness.
All this while, there were some elderly people watching us from far, and some were listening. One of them was my former primary school teacher. Like a great pyshcologist, he had known that i tell stories of giants at times, especially to people that don't know me, so he came to me. He said "Ee.. Wanjohi na to ukuku ndugaguo uhoro i, nie ndirenda kuinuka. No to ndirenda uge nindaregire kunyua mucufa waku ri, nyuaga Tusker ndire ndaguagua" (Wanjohi, coz night is never said news, I dont want you to go saying, ooh, Mwalimu refused your beer. I drink Tusker, i have never fallen)
Before i could call the waiter to deliver, 4 other former teachers, fetinaries and other elders were lining up and demanding their share. When i weighed the situation, I saw the best alternative is to make all of us buy the elders by force. I told the guys were with "Tuikei equal equal athuri aya manyue njohi. Mundu arute ona muti umwe umwe" (Lets do equal equal, this men drink beer. Each one of us remove a K.)
I called the teacher that said Tusker and told him "Nyua njohi iria unyuaga tutari nawe, no niithue tukutura. usker thiku ici mekirire mai muno. I ndurona ndiranyua Summit. Ndukanyue njohi itangikuria. Sawa?" (Drink the beer that you drink on normal days. These days, they put Tusker water too much. You see I am taking Summit?)
He looked at me as if i am the wisest man after my grandpa and Uncle that lives behind UON and said "Waria ta athuri mugwanja. Reke tunyue Allsopps" (You have talked like 7 men. Lets drink Allsopps) . A crate was sent but still, they wanted to roga their drinks with KC. We sent several KCs but still wanted more harder stuff i heard them call it 'shuma'.
There there, three elders came and started to talk to me like i was the area MP. One of them asked why i had not presented my candidature for MP or senator. I told them i will be standing in Nairobi starehe. They appeared very disturbed. They told me that from that moment, they have announced me an elder, although I have not removed any goat. He put beer on his mouth and spilt on the ground for the ancestors, then on his chest, then on me. Two others did the same, making me officially an elder. One however said that the ancestors don't like Allsopps, only Muratina. To brew Muratina, I had to part with 500 bob for preparation. When you are being singed, you cant resist with such 'meagre' amount. When he saw i parted with the 5sock so fast, he said i also need to buy a stool where i will sit for a K. It is then i told them that mpesa has started to experience delay again and we should wait for 10 minutes.
When they saw the cow has refused, they went to sit and continue downing the Allsopps. Its like another man was waiting for them to leave. One man came and told me that he heard that i have never gotten myself a PM. I told him i have but he refused to accept. When he insisted and to make him go away, i told him that i will marry next year. He smiled and said i am his son and that he had a daughter, now finished form four and he want to give me by force. I told him unless she come as second PM because official PM was there. When i tried to ignore him, he would issue threats, including to scratch his navel. I don't know what repercussions would be but since i did not want to be the first, I endured his lectures.
I was only saved when the man who anointed me as an elder came and said in loud voice " Ee.. Ithanduku riri tukinyite, riauma he wanjohi. Na riathira tutikunyua ringi tondu turona ta aharire" (this crate has come from Wanjohi and when it finishes, we wont ask for another because he looks like he has harad) Before he could finish, i told the waiter to take another crate. All Allsopps beer had finished, so they opted for Pilsner. And because it was an equal equal stuff, i did not have any fear.
In one of the corners in that bar, there were persons of out that looked like sun. They were seated with equally young boys i heard were in university with them and some from the village. I didn't know that my village could produce such stunningly hot persons. Besides being hot, some were dressed in tight stockings some people mistakenly call them trousers. Those are the types that you see tiita very well from far. Others were on blouses you could see half brookie. The last time i was in the village, it was a taboo for a person of out to wear trouser or any dress that does not touch toes.
We had feared to call them on our table before because of the wazees but after they refused to know themselves, we Theuri told one of the guys we were with to threaten them with a round of beer. We told him since he does not get paid in birds that can fly away, he is a leader. He did not refuse, but only bought for the three persons. Small time, we called them and they sat on our table. After we knew each other well and their homes, I said they get a round. When the waiter brought the bill to me, I told her to add on the one we were to do equal equal (the one for the elders). I told them to drink more and more, sending all bills to equal equal bill, although no one was knowing that i was sending to the equal equal bill.
As we were drinking, my tree had standed and i was drawing how to eat one, although grass of home is not eaten. I called the one who was with a tight 'trao' and visible tiita and we started to chat. Like Nairobi persons, when i talked to her in Greek, she was returning in English. When i asked her where she works, my tree that was now measuring how many jotis it will pour suddenly shrunk. The person works in a Casino in Malindi. I have never been to Malindi, only Wakanai has , but I am sad to report that most of them leave thuruari in Nairobi.
Maybe it is the village in me but when i hear a person of out works in Mombasa or Malindi, my tree refuses, unless she works at the port and shows me proof by displaying her job card. In many cases i know, when they climb Mombasa raha and Coast bus, they remove thuruari and throw it away when they reach Mlolongo or furthest, Athi River. In my head, i was seeing her how she sucks trees of Italians after they finish gambling.
Theuri in the meantime was entertaning his with his stories of giants. I heard she studies in USIU or something, its subject to verification. At first, she attempted to talk to Theuri in English but who is Theuri. Theuri told her "Nie ka mai daughter, ona gatiri gaikara gishagi ona mweri, na ndakariria gikuyu gachokagia na gikuyu. Na kena miaka ikumi. Riu we na urereirwo guku mbocoine, orandigithia muno ati utuire boarding kuma class one ati ndui gikuyu" (My daghter, 10yrs can talk Saps. You, you were born here and you pretend you cant speak saps. Kari gani?) After that, she came down and started to talk in Saps. But she did not last long there, small time, she shifted to another guy that looked like he had more firmer steel nyees than Theuri.
Small time, I gave myself shuguli after sometime and shifted to one, Momo. Momo, for those who dont know, is one that before agreeing to chogiiogio, it drinks several littles of Diesel and you all know how expensive diesel is nowadays. When you want to fall it, like what one Sam says, you need to get a tranquilizer.
But on looking at her legs of elephant, i said bad is bad. The person told me she is also a pupil of USIU. I think I am a daft but in my head, i filled a college either in Zimmer or another one in Ruiru. After the elders left, we were more at liberty to do whatever we wanted. When I attempted to insert hand small, she did not refuse. I telled myself that she has had all men's hand touch in all clubs in Thika road. The person had Nairobi enter her so much because when i inserted more more inside, i felt like she did not have thuruari, though she refused me to pass more (not intentionally, but the piece of meat could not allow me better). As i was touching small small, i said that i will not fear nor favor, henceforth any person i meet in Nairobi that looks like sun because, chances are, she was born and bred in some village similar to Kigogoine.
Before we could strike a deal, some few minutes past 3AM, we heard door being knocked by force. It was the area Chief and his askaris. They ordered all of us enter a pick up they had come with because of drinking after hours. One guy went and told the askaris that he was an officer. He was met with a hard slap and his o officer jumped in pick up.
I wanted to tell them if they have heard or seen me somewhere but when I saw how they slapped their colleague, I dashed to the loo and locked myself. I could not stand the shame of being locked in a mabati cell.
After small time, the owner of bar came and 'settled' the chief and his officers and those that had climbed the pickup removed. When i removed from toilet, I didnt see the persons and i have since forgoten what name i used to save them in my phonebook, it might as well become a dream to eat grass of home.
I found Theuri and two others on table, still drinking. They laughed when he saw me and said "Shifu nu riu? Ona Kiraithe angiuka haha itangigiukira. Turi aria oru" But later, i heard they entered under the table and hid there when the rest were being driven out.
We asked for the bill of those my former teachers and other elders. When it came, it was 20 bob shy away to 7 k. I told each person, 6 of us to remove each 1500. Before me removing mine, i already had 7,500. I pocketed the extra 500 bob when i saw they were not jumping on anything.
Unfortunately for me, i had to travel back to Nairobi because my boss wanted me to come and show him how to save a document he had been typing the whole day on 27th. Thats how i found myself in Nairobi before the holiday was over, thereby denying me a chance to eat grass of home. In the meantime, Theuri and Mafiosa are still in shags and its like they dont want to come until next year. Theuri told me that already, two hawks are down.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Happy Holidays...
This is a very busy time of year and I wanted to take a moment to wish you and your family a very joyous, safe and fulfilling Holiday Season. :-)
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
The Wrath of a Scorned Trapper
Until recently, I have underestimated the wrath of a scorned trapper. I escaped having my nyees removed some few days ago. Had it not for the fact that I don’t eat trappers anymore, I would be nyeeless today.
One evening in the year 2008, out of small imaginary disagreement with my person I had kept , we threw hands. This is the person I told you about that wanted to behave like a PM. Because I had written myself to eat somebody on that day and my person had thrown hands, I decided to go to a place I could catch one cold one and at the same time, prey on some person with thuruari on head. I had heard with rumors that Umoja was a haven for persons with thuruari on head. I wanted to find for myself, so i headed straight to Hb umo.
I gave myself a seat near the DJ because I knew in my head that all person of out that goes to request a song or say hi to the DJ are, in most cases thurariless. In other words, they go to tell the DJ, although in coded words (unless the DJ has no good head to decode the message) that they stopped wearing thuruari long time. But sadly, most DJs, especially those I know, including Dj Lau have no good head because when a person of out come smiling at him, he shows stone face and the persons runs away in full speed..
I closed one eye on all the persons that were passing to say 'hi' to the DJ but all looked at me as if I have Onyanchas blood. I tried to smile at them but where. The rest that looked as hot as sun and abit settled, not running to the DJ had either a dirtied table or sitting too many together. The last thing a man with nyees that are not of steel can do is to add more dirt on an already dirtied table or to buy like 5 persons sitting together beers that come two two. For a dirtied table, they will not carry you anything and for two two for 5, you will need to sacrifice a whole weeks drinks.
But all was not lost. There were few that responded to my closing eye but looked like sisters of orangutan. When they responded with a smile or closing an eye too, I behaved as if it was fly that had entered my eye and let them pass..
As the night progressed, and when I was on my sixth beer, the sisters, even sisters of orangutan started to look like sun. My watchful eyes caught one, with size 36D that responded to my closing of eye with a broad smile. I beckoned her to come sit with me and enjoy the fruits of my week's hard work.
As we were destroying several thousands together, I told the person many stories of giants , including about my trucks and high rise buildings , some as high as 9 storeys in Pipeline, thus making her even smile more and more (why do people believe drunks, i refuse to know). . The person also had her own giant stories because she told me she was into selling Thuraya phones. Thuraya phones are satelite phones only used by pirates and governments, so you can imagine your kind of clientele.
For every extra beer i was drinking, I saw her become more stunningly hot. But many more suns were streaming in, some laptops and others yellow yello, so, my wandering eyes started tospot more yellow yellos. The person saw the imminent threat of me getting stolen and to protect her territory, she suggested we change venue. She then changed her mind and asked me to drop her in her house because she had dranked enough for that day.. In my head, I telled myself that she had already climbed herself because that was another way of telling me to go climb.
When we reached her gate, I telled myself that i will climb in the car. I removed one brookie, although it was quite a task because of the size and weight and started to suck. When i saw no refusing, I inserted hand to touch tiita. Due to her size, it was such a daunting task to reach it, even with her half dropped trouser. When she 'felt' what i was doing, the person behaved as if she had refused to know herself. Since I can never ramnya somebody who has refused to know herself, I woke her up so that she can assist me in removing her own trouser, and also put legs proper on the dashboard for me.
The person suddenly 'realised' herself and told me that she coudnt get climbed on the first day. She told me that it was not even safe around that place. She told me that since she lives two floor up in that building, I should escort her up to her house to make sure she has entered because she was very drunk. I am a person who reads in between the line all the time. When i was studying Ms word, the main lesson, which i passed very well was to read in between the line. With my decoding technique, i decoded there was that she wanted we ramnyana in her house properly instead of a quickie in the car.
When we reached her house, she gave me the keys and asked me to open. After I opened, i behave like a kaka sungura. I told her that i wanted to make sure she was safely in bed. I helped her remove her shoes, then blouse and bra. On viewing the 36D, all by myself, my heart started to beat in my ears. I struggled to remove her trouser as I was shaking all over, including my toes of foot because i feared she might refuse me to climb.
I removed makobosto and ramnyad somebody proper. After I poured, I started to think of excuses to give to leave. I complied a number of lies and truths, including that in that evening, she will eat and drink until she refused to know herself.
Tomorrow of that day, I beat Theuri how I ramnyad somebody that looked like sun I had met at Hb. I even invited them to some with me in the evening and see what the leader will be now eating, right in somebody's house. No cost of room.
When she came, I refused to know if that was indeed the same person I had ramnyad. I am not saying she looked bad. No. But she did not look like the sun I had seen the previous night. Maybe like the sun that is orbited by Kepler 22b. For those who did not go to school and have no Google, Kepler 22b is a with earth that they suspected can life. It can, however take some few years to reach there, like 400,000 years or so, depending which aircraft you climb. If you climb Airbus like the one KQ bought the other day, it will be less time, with some few hours. That means, if you enter an Airbus to go there, you might be required, by law, to climb like three persons at a go first because it will take you quite some years before you reach there, otherwise, your nyees will burst mid air due to accumulation of nyees, thus scaring other passengers.
But her 36D brookie was something to brag with. In the ear, Theuri was told me “Mundu, kai… kurathie atia. Maitho nimarora. Gura miwani” (Person, what is happening. Your eyes are losting, you need to buy glasses.).
After few beers, every body started to see her turn to sun. Theuri beautified my cv until she invited me for another climbing session in her house.
This time round, i was told first, to pay Maasais 200 bob to look after my old car, otherwise, they will watch as thieves steal side mirros and side lamps. I went again and climbed the person one quick joti and left. Since the person had showed me that she was not coachroach, I did not leave her a cent. In its place, I might have promised heaven, though am not sure. I do it all the time anyway.
In my head, I had telled myself that that was the last time she was seeing me. I still had my person and although we had thrown hands at each other for few days, we had reconciled after I admitted liability for imaginary accusations. (This my person was the one that had started to behave as if she was my PM. I told you about her before)
After I disappeared in thin air because two climbing session was enough anyway, the person kept on calling and calling and I kept on giving stories of giants. I literally disappeared from Hb, so there was no place she could find me.
After the person realized I am a thug like any other man, she became angry and wrote me many smses. When I refused to answer any, she decided to write a strong one that made me reply: “kwani ulifikilia kuma ni ya bure”.
There there, I filled for myself that the person was a trapper in a way. In my head, i had been telling myself that she was an ordinary person of out that had falled for a man she though could satisfy her needs now and forever. I replied ‘Unataka ngapi” to which she replied “3k’. She then instructed me to send by mpesa, but who is Wanjohi.
There there, I cut communication completely. After some few months, I returned to hb. I met the person and when she saw me, she threw saliva out. I refused to know but it is then that i realised that she was indeed a trapper, but not of medicine.
For two years, she never talked to me. When she saw me, she did like this %$^^). And because I don’t eat in her house, I never gave a damn.
Early this year, she suddenly started talking to me. That same day, she came and asked me to buy her a beer. I told her to beat round small and come back. She told me that I still have babish and left. I wanted to return fire but since I am bigger than that, I choose to leave her. Again, I am told that by 10 persons per day, so I care less. I make friends, especially with persons every club I go, so, if i had to buy persons friends in all club I patron, I would be working for them then. Again, if refusing to buy a person of out beer of babish, then i want to remain of baby. From them, she lived for another 6 months throwing saliva out whenever she saw me, or frowning like this" %%$^&.
Around three months or so ago, devil catched her again and she started talking to me. This time, she got a beer from me. After I ordered the beer, she sat on out table and told Sir Chaos “Huyu wanjoi hakuna kitu anaeza niambia. Wacha siku hizi anaringa. Mimi nilimjua kama hana kitu. Akiwa na kagari mzee kanaenda kakitoa moshi kwa bara bara. Huyu na ukimuona, anamwagaga na second tano. Na anajiitaga mwanaume” All of them were being collected from the ground and to shut her up from further removing colour, I told her to drink until morning.
Following week, I was with my buddies at HB. One of them said he wanted a person of out. As luck would have it, she was passing and i invited her over. The guy thanked me so much because he ramnyad until tomorrow of that day, at 11 AM.
Two weeks ago, I was enjoying my drink with my buddies when she came and demanded for a drink. Although I did not respond about beer, I told her that I must climb her that night.
When she saw no drink was coming, only giving her stories of giants and no drink,she started again. She told my buddies “Huyu wanjoi anaring tu. Kwanza nakuanga na machungu sana na wewe. Unajuanga vile ulinitesanga. blah blah”…
On looking at my buddies, especially the chairman and sir chaos, I could tell they were refusing to know how I could have kept such a person. They were looking at me and refusing to know if I was indeed Wanjohi or his image. Her mori kept on rising until she wanted to cry. Still eating mori, she told me that one day, she will bit my nyees until they are crashed. I feared so much because the bible says if your nyees are cut, you will not see heaven by eyes, so I told her to leave our table or I make her life miserable.
Before leaving, she came to my ear and bit half of it. She tried to tear it but i think ear is as hard as karema hiti "refusal of hyna" (European people call it knee cap) because her teeth did not cut it off. I shouted in pain until all bouncers came to find out what was happening. I was only helped when I called the area chief to come with two APs because the rich of the surrounding was in imminent danger. I removed tears because of pain and even today, the ear is still paining. Dj Lau, instead of consoling me, started to read for me. "We kamundu gaka ninguiraga mamundu maya utigane namo. Riu one maithori, andu makurorire mararigwo kamundu karia kaugio mbu ni kii (Uopu ka person, i have warned you against this persons for long. People are refusing to know what made you say mbus)
It is then I realized what her mission would have been, had I agreed to go to her house again. I would be nyeeless today. It was a plot she has hatched for a long time.
What I am refusing to know is, and this is to the persons of out. If a man climbs you, and maybe you are a trapper, you can carry the pain for all those years? And for heavens sake, she was a trapper, though I didnt know.
However, I learned a very valuable lesson. I will, from now on, be careful with persons of out I meet in bars or otherwise. If its not cash ki tobacco, then, let them stay with it.
(I would have loved to narrate the muclimbano part but since i was nominated the most sewage fella on the blogs by Pulse magazine, I would want to moderate on that. But with sewage or not ;), all the stories i tell are real and they happens. All are within the boundaries of sanity; none of them are out of the ordinary, or are they?)
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
One evening in the year 2008, out of small imaginary disagreement with my person I had kept , we threw hands. This is the person I told you about that wanted to behave like a PM. Because I had written myself to eat somebody on that day and my person had thrown hands, I decided to go to a place I could catch one cold one and at the same time, prey on some person with thuruari on head. I had heard with rumors that Umoja was a haven for persons with thuruari on head. I wanted to find for myself, so i headed straight to Hb umo.
I gave myself a seat near the DJ because I knew in my head that all person of out that goes to request a song or say hi to the DJ are, in most cases thurariless. In other words, they go to tell the DJ, although in coded words (unless the DJ has no good head to decode the message) that they stopped wearing thuruari long time. But sadly, most DJs, especially those I know, including Dj Lau have no good head because when a person of out come smiling at him, he shows stone face and the persons runs away in full speed..
I closed one eye on all the persons that were passing to say 'hi' to the DJ but all looked at me as if I have Onyanchas blood. I tried to smile at them but where. The rest that looked as hot as sun and abit settled, not running to the DJ had either a dirtied table or sitting too many together. The last thing a man with nyees that are not of steel can do is to add more dirt on an already dirtied table or to buy like 5 persons sitting together beers that come two two. For a dirtied table, they will not carry you anything and for two two for 5, you will need to sacrifice a whole weeks drinks.
But all was not lost. There were few that responded to my closing eye but looked like sisters of orangutan. When they responded with a smile or closing an eye too, I behaved as if it was fly that had entered my eye and let them pass..
As the night progressed, and when I was on my sixth beer, the sisters, even sisters of orangutan started to look like sun. My watchful eyes caught one, with size 36D that responded to my closing of eye with a broad smile. I beckoned her to come sit with me and enjoy the fruits of my week's hard work.
As we were destroying several thousands together, I told the person many stories of giants , including about my trucks and high rise buildings , some as high as 9 storeys in Pipeline, thus making her even smile more and more (why do people believe drunks, i refuse to know). . The person also had her own giant stories because she told me she was into selling Thuraya phones. Thuraya phones are satelite phones only used by pirates and governments, so you can imagine your kind of clientele.
For every extra beer i was drinking, I saw her become more stunningly hot. But many more suns were streaming in, some laptops and others yellow yello, so, my wandering eyes started tospot more yellow yellos. The person saw the imminent threat of me getting stolen and to protect her territory, she suggested we change venue. She then changed her mind and asked me to drop her in her house because she had dranked enough for that day.. In my head, I telled myself that she had already climbed herself because that was another way of telling me to go climb.
When we reached her gate, I telled myself that i will climb in the car. I removed one brookie, although it was quite a task because of the size and weight and started to suck. When i saw no refusing, I inserted hand to touch tiita. Due to her size, it was such a daunting task to reach it, even with her half dropped trouser. When she 'felt' what i was doing, the person behaved as if she had refused to know herself. Since I can never ramnya somebody who has refused to know herself, I woke her up so that she can assist me in removing her own trouser, and also put legs proper on the dashboard for me.
The person suddenly 'realised' herself and told me that she coudnt get climbed on the first day. She told me that it was not even safe around that place. She told me that since she lives two floor up in that building, I should escort her up to her house to make sure she has entered because she was very drunk. I am a person who reads in between the line all the time. When i was studying Ms word, the main lesson, which i passed very well was to read in between the line. With my decoding technique, i decoded there was that she wanted we ramnyana in her house properly instead of a quickie in the car.
When we reached her house, she gave me the keys and asked me to open. After I opened, i behave like a kaka sungura. I told her that i wanted to make sure she was safely in bed. I helped her remove her shoes, then blouse and bra. On viewing the 36D, all by myself, my heart started to beat in my ears. I struggled to remove her trouser as I was shaking all over, including my toes of foot because i feared she might refuse me to climb.
I removed makobosto and ramnyad somebody proper. After I poured, I started to think of excuses to give to leave. I complied a number of lies and truths, including that in that evening, she will eat and drink until she refused to know herself.
Tomorrow of that day, I beat Theuri how I ramnyad somebody that looked like sun I had met at Hb. I even invited them to some with me in the evening and see what the leader will be now eating, right in somebody's house. No cost of room.
When she came, I refused to know if that was indeed the same person I had ramnyad. I am not saying she looked bad. No. But she did not look like the sun I had seen the previous night. Maybe like the sun that is orbited by Kepler 22b. For those who did not go to school and have no Google, Kepler 22b is a with earth that they suspected can life. It can, however take some few years to reach there, like 400,000 years or so, depending which aircraft you climb. If you climb Airbus like the one KQ bought the other day, it will be less time, with some few hours. That means, if you enter an Airbus to go there, you might be required, by law, to climb like three persons at a go first because it will take you quite some years before you reach there, otherwise, your nyees will burst mid air due to accumulation of nyees, thus scaring other passengers.
But her 36D brookie was something to brag with. In the ear, Theuri was told me “Mundu, kai… kurathie atia. Maitho nimarora. Gura miwani” (Person, what is happening. Your eyes are losting, you need to buy glasses.).
After few beers, every body started to see her turn to sun. Theuri beautified my cv until she invited me for another climbing session in her house.
This time round, i was told first, to pay Maasais 200 bob to look after my old car, otherwise, they will watch as thieves steal side mirros and side lamps. I went again and climbed the person one quick joti and left. Since the person had showed me that she was not coachroach, I did not leave her a cent. In its place, I might have promised heaven, though am not sure. I do it all the time anyway.
In my head, I had telled myself that that was the last time she was seeing me. I still had my person and although we had thrown hands at each other for few days, we had reconciled after I admitted liability for imaginary accusations. (This my person was the one that had started to behave as if she was my PM. I told you about her before)
After I disappeared in thin air because two climbing session was enough anyway, the person kept on calling and calling and I kept on giving stories of giants. I literally disappeared from Hb, so there was no place she could find me.
After the person realized I am a thug like any other man, she became angry and wrote me many smses. When I refused to answer any, she decided to write a strong one that made me reply: “kwani ulifikilia kuma ni ya bure”.
There there, I filled for myself that the person was a trapper in a way. In my head, i had been telling myself that she was an ordinary person of out that had falled for a man she though could satisfy her needs now and forever. I replied ‘Unataka ngapi” to which she replied “3k’. She then instructed me to send by mpesa, but who is Wanjohi.
There there, I cut communication completely. After some few months, I returned to hb. I met the person and when she saw me, she threw saliva out. I refused to know but it is then that i realised that she was indeed a trapper, but not of medicine.
For two years, she never talked to me. When she saw me, she did like this %$^^). And because I don’t eat in her house, I never gave a damn.
Early this year, she suddenly started talking to me. That same day, she came and asked me to buy her a beer. I told her to beat round small and come back. She told me that I still have babish and left. I wanted to return fire but since I am bigger than that, I choose to leave her. Again, I am told that by 10 persons per day, so I care less. I make friends, especially with persons every club I go, so, if i had to buy persons friends in all club I patron, I would be working for them then. Again, if refusing to buy a person of out beer of babish, then i want to remain of baby. From them, she lived for another 6 months throwing saliva out whenever she saw me, or frowning like this" %%$^&.
Around three months or so ago, devil catched her again and she started talking to me. This time, she got a beer from me. After I ordered the beer, she sat on out table and told Sir Chaos “Huyu wanjoi hakuna kitu anaeza niambia. Wacha siku hizi anaringa. Mimi nilimjua kama hana kitu. Akiwa na kagari mzee kanaenda kakitoa moshi kwa bara bara. Huyu na ukimuona, anamwagaga na second tano. Na anajiitaga mwanaume” All of them were being collected from the ground and to shut her up from further removing colour, I told her to drink until morning.
Following week, I was with my buddies at HB. One of them said he wanted a person of out. As luck would have it, she was passing and i invited her over. The guy thanked me so much because he ramnyad until tomorrow of that day, at 11 AM.
Two weeks ago, I was enjoying my drink with my buddies when she came and demanded for a drink. Although I did not respond about beer, I told her that I must climb her that night.
When she saw no drink was coming, only giving her stories of giants and no drink,she started again. She told my buddies “Huyu wanjoi anaring tu. Kwanza nakuanga na machungu sana na wewe. Unajuanga vile ulinitesanga. blah blah”…
On looking at my buddies, especially the chairman and sir chaos, I could tell they were refusing to know how I could have kept such a person. They were looking at me and refusing to know if I was indeed Wanjohi or his image. Her mori kept on rising until she wanted to cry. Still eating mori, she told me that one day, she will bit my nyees until they are crashed. I feared so much because the bible says if your nyees are cut, you will not see heaven by eyes, so I told her to leave our table or I make her life miserable.
Before leaving, she came to my ear and bit half of it. She tried to tear it but i think ear is as hard as karema hiti "refusal of hyna" (European people call it knee cap) because her teeth did not cut it off. I shouted in pain until all bouncers came to find out what was happening. I was only helped when I called the area chief to come with two APs because the rich of the surrounding was in imminent danger. I removed tears because of pain and even today, the ear is still paining. Dj Lau, instead of consoling me, started to read for me. "We kamundu gaka ninguiraga mamundu maya utigane namo. Riu one maithori, andu makurorire mararigwo kamundu karia kaugio mbu ni kii (Uopu ka person, i have warned you against this persons for long. People are refusing to know what made you say mbus)
It is then I realized what her mission would have been, had I agreed to go to her house again. I would be nyeeless today. It was a plot she has hatched for a long time.
What I am refusing to know is, and this is to the persons of out. If a man climbs you, and maybe you are a trapper, you can carry the pain for all those years? And for heavens sake, she was a trapper, though I didnt know.
However, I learned a very valuable lesson. I will, from now on, be careful with persons of out I meet in bars or otherwise. If its not cash ki tobacco, then, let them stay with it.
(I would have loved to narrate the muclimbano part but since i was nominated the most sewage fella on the blogs by Pulse magazine, I would want to moderate on that. But with sewage or not ;), all the stories i tell are real and they happens. All are within the boundaries of sanity; none of them are out of the ordinary, or are they?)
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
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Friday, December 2, 2011
How To Climb Even With Less Cash...
As i told you before, a person of out will never remove thuruari for you just because you look good. Persons of out never look for looks. Unless you are extremely extremely handsome and talk good English like some guys i see on Afro cinema. Even if you you look like an olangutan and you have cash, fame or have the fine things in life, thuruari will always be left at home. Persons that look good and have money and fame, like Jaguar have added advantage. Persons of out will refuse to know if they have good head if they ever come near him with thuruari, even the small ones some people call thong.
But for the scratchers of skin, there is a sure way to enter a person of out. And the sure way is to tell endless lies to them. Lie and lie until they believe it. I got all this from my good friends Theuri and Akuku. Within one hour with a person of out, Theuri will have laid so many lies until the person refuse to know why she came with thuruari. They are flattened so much until they put it on head.
I am not a good lair myself but once once, i have gotten thuruaris on head after spreading lies.
One day, on a Sunday, i was at home and my PM had fooled so much because i had gone home almost in the morning and falling falling down due to drunkenness.
At around mid day, one devil called me and said i had losted to much. This person looked like models, and used to walk like them, even on Tom mboya street. She looked so flexible, and malnourished in a way she can put legs at 180 degrees. When standing straight, a small gap is left where tiita sits. Such persons are full of sweetness. You can also climb them standing (karugamo).
She had, on several occasions refused to put it on head. She used to tell us that she had a boyfriend and cannot mix for him. Despite telling her that it is not soap to finish, or it will not write on tiita that it had been climbed, she refused to feel me.
After talking small, I told her that I had ukiad like Satan. She said that she had also ukiad too much but had one stress that was disturbing her. She told me that she had a chama meeting in the evening and they were required to remove two k and she had zero. She told me that if i lent her the money, tiita will be all mine.
In my pocket, i had three thousand, front and back. I told the person to meet me in Magomano at one because i was willing to assist her. I told her that i have even called Maina of butchery to put meat of burnt for the two of us.
This person had earlier, on many occasions refused to remove for me. We had gone out many times but when i tried to give her beer to make her refuse to know herself, she used to get clever and hepa us.
When she came, she ordered those beers of cans that come two two. As if i had twenty thousand bob with me, we beat water until Ksh. 1,900 had dranked water. Now, between me and poverty, i was remaining Kshs. 1,100 bob. My tree was standing because once once, she was touching touching it and i was, in turn touching touching her thighs small small. I was, however, refusing to know what to do because the good rooms in town goes for a K plus. I was thinking of talking to Maina of butchery to talk to people of room of Magomano and tell them that i will bring money tomorrow but then, remembered that their rooms arent the best. If you take a person there, she can even refuse to apart her legs, even if she had come with no thuruari.
It is then that i remembered Bilmas. Bilmas have two types of rooms. One, no latrine and bathroom inside, only bed and those are cheaper, goes for 600 bob. Those with latrine and bathroom inside goes for a K. I dragged her to Bilmas and like a good climber, I removed all her clothes one by one until only thuruari remained. I took thuruari on side and started to suck tiita. I sucked tiita until she poured. (Theuri says sucking tiita or fingering someone is same as eating bila makobosto. Maybe you should educate me on that because it scared the hell out of me)
I ramnyad things until 6ish. The person gave me so good, throwing legs in the air because she was happy with my eating habits and techniques and again, her stress of money had vanished. Based on her msaying of mbus, it looked like she had never had someone suck tiita for so long until she poured like that. On that day, she poured like three times.
After i finished climbing, I pushed her to her stage, No. 23 for Buru. Now, her stress had been transferred to me. My heart was beating even in ear because i was refusing to know what to do. All body parts, including my toes and nyees were shaking because i did not know what to tell the person.
The person's extreme excitement was making me feel sad, bad and angry with myself. She appeared was so happy and joked all the way. I tried to force myself to laugh but where.
I was trying to do mathematics of how much to give her from the 5 socks that had remained. There was not way i could give her all the 5 sock because i had to climb a mat back to Kinoo. After much consultation, I decided to give her 200 bob. Before removing the money from my pocket, i was counting 123 to prepare myself how to start and what to say to her.
When we reached KTDA where people climb mats for Buru, I finally filled myself 1234...started: " Ehh.. Shiru, unajua aje? Nika kitaumana small. Shika hii mia biri, kesho niko na pesa kama ya kuibiwo. Hata sio elfu biri nitakupea. Nitakupea elfu tano. Ni vile...."
I did not even finish giving the explanation due to the look I was getting from the person. She did not even take the two so. In loud voice, she said me "Whaaaat? You are a dog", then climbed a mat. All people around there looked at me and refused to know. Some started laughing at me, maybe thinking i was borrowing things on stage. To avoid more embarrassment, i removed from that place as fast as i could and climbed a mat to Kinoo.
From that day, the person never spoke to me again for sometime. But another climber never dislike each other. 6 months later, she started looking for me. Although i had heard with rumour how she had she had destroyed my name to her pals, saying I am of childish because I dont remove, i decided to forgive.
Akuku, in the meantime was trying to wrestle the person from me. He managed to climb her, he confessed to me later. Akuku is of devil.He has some peculiar habit with people's persons. If he sees a person looks like sun and is new, yellow yellow, malnourished and loves money in some extra ordinary manner, he tells the person he will be removing anything she wants, including paying her house and doing shopping. But woe unto them. Yes, first day, he will remove, but once thuruari is out, he blacklists the person and never talks to them again.
Have a nice weekend and dont forget to eat with makobosto. And if you want to be part of the stag, you can hit me on my email....
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
But for the scratchers of skin, there is a sure way to enter a person of out. And the sure way is to tell endless lies to them. Lie and lie until they believe it. I got all this from my good friends Theuri and Akuku. Within one hour with a person of out, Theuri will have laid so many lies until the person refuse to know why she came with thuruari. They are flattened so much until they put it on head.
I am not a good lair myself but once once, i have gotten thuruaris on head after spreading lies.
One day, on a Sunday, i was at home and my PM had fooled so much because i had gone home almost in the morning and falling falling down due to drunkenness.
At around mid day, one devil called me and said i had losted to much. This person looked like models, and used to walk like them, even on Tom mboya street. She looked so flexible, and malnourished in a way she can put legs at 180 degrees. When standing straight, a small gap is left where tiita sits. Such persons are full of sweetness. You can also climb them standing (karugamo).
She had, on several occasions refused to put it on head. She used to tell us that she had a boyfriend and cannot mix for him. Despite telling her that it is not soap to finish, or it will not write on tiita that it had been climbed, she refused to feel me.
After talking small, I told her that I had ukiad like Satan. She said that she had also ukiad too much but had one stress that was disturbing her. She told me that she had a chama meeting in the evening and they were required to remove two k and she had zero. She told me that if i lent her the money, tiita will be all mine.
In my pocket, i had three thousand, front and back. I told the person to meet me in Magomano at one because i was willing to assist her. I told her that i have even called Maina of butchery to put meat of burnt for the two of us.
This person had earlier, on many occasions refused to remove for me. We had gone out many times but when i tried to give her beer to make her refuse to know herself, she used to get clever and hepa us.
When she came, she ordered those beers of cans that come two two. As if i had twenty thousand bob with me, we beat water until Ksh. 1,900 had dranked water. Now, between me and poverty, i was remaining Kshs. 1,100 bob. My tree was standing because once once, she was touching touching it and i was, in turn touching touching her thighs small small. I was, however, refusing to know what to do because the good rooms in town goes for a K plus. I was thinking of talking to Maina of butchery to talk to people of room of Magomano and tell them that i will bring money tomorrow but then, remembered that their rooms arent the best. If you take a person there, she can even refuse to apart her legs, even if she had come with no thuruari.
It is then that i remembered Bilmas. Bilmas have two types of rooms. One, no latrine and bathroom inside, only bed and those are cheaper, goes for 600 bob. Those with latrine and bathroom inside goes for a K. I dragged her to Bilmas and like a good climber, I removed all her clothes one by one until only thuruari remained. I took thuruari on side and started to suck tiita. I sucked tiita until she poured. (Theuri says sucking tiita or fingering someone is same as eating bila makobosto. Maybe you should educate me on that because it scared the hell out of me)
I ramnyad things until 6ish. The person gave me so good, throwing legs in the air because she was happy with my eating habits and techniques and again, her stress of money had vanished. Based on her msaying of mbus, it looked like she had never had someone suck tiita for so long until she poured like that. On that day, she poured like three times.
After i finished climbing, I pushed her to her stage, No. 23 for Buru. Now, her stress had been transferred to me. My heart was beating even in ear because i was refusing to know what to do. All body parts, including my toes and nyees were shaking because i did not know what to tell the person.
The person's extreme excitement was making me feel sad, bad and angry with myself. She appeared was so happy and joked all the way. I tried to force myself to laugh but where.
I was trying to do mathematics of how much to give her from the 5 socks that had remained. There was not way i could give her all the 5 sock because i had to climb a mat back to Kinoo. After much consultation, I decided to give her 200 bob. Before removing the money from my pocket, i was counting 123 to prepare myself how to start and what to say to her.
When we reached KTDA where people climb mats for Buru, I finally filled myself 1234...started: " Ehh.. Shiru, unajua aje? Nika kitaumana small. Shika hii mia biri, kesho niko na pesa kama ya kuibiwo. Hata sio elfu biri nitakupea. Nitakupea elfu tano. Ni vile...."
I did not even finish giving the explanation due to the look I was getting from the person. She did not even take the two so. In loud voice, she said me "Whaaaat? You are a dog", then climbed a mat. All people around there looked at me and refused to know. Some started laughing at me, maybe thinking i was borrowing things on stage. To avoid more embarrassment, i removed from that place as fast as i could and climbed a mat to Kinoo.
From that day, the person never spoke to me again for sometime. But another climber never dislike each other. 6 months later, she started looking for me. Although i had heard with rumour how she had she had destroyed my name to her pals, saying I am of childish because I dont remove, i decided to forgive.
Akuku, in the meantime was trying to wrestle the person from me. He managed to climb her, he confessed to me later. Akuku is of devil.He has some peculiar habit with people's persons. If he sees a person looks like sun and is new, yellow yellow, malnourished and loves money in some extra ordinary manner, he tells the person he will be removing anything she wants, including paying her house and doing shopping. But woe unto them. Yes, first day, he will remove, but once thuruari is out, he blacklists the person and never talks to them again.
Have a nice weekend and dont forget to eat with makobosto. And if you want to be part of the stag, you can hit me on my email....
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
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