Climbing Uganda Ladies Made Easier.

 Have you ever eaten something then in the morning when you wake up you refuse to believe that you are the one that ate? I have done that several times, both the good and the bad but the most memorable was in the land where you get clobbered for walking to work. That government is so funny because its like you are using the govers' legs to walk to work. Some guys  wanted to try that here in Kenya but they gave up when they realized that majority of those who would be in forefront of the walk to work have walked to work all their lives, so it holds no water. The remaining of us work from home or have no work at all.

I had gonned there on 'assigned' and after a day of hard work, i went to an executive barber shop to have my beard trimmed, somewhere along Kampala street. After paying a whooping 250 bob for a mere hair cut, i paid it to a very cute cute cashier. She is black in color, almost Sudan, 30something size of chest and yes, shapely straight legs, no dent and big buttocks. After paying the 250 with pain (I get the same shaving for Kshs 80 here in Nairobi), I introduced myself to to her as Mr. Wanjohi wa Kigogoine, son of Professor Nick Wanjohi, the headmaster of University of Nairobi.  Immediately i told her that, her face lighted up.  I then told her that I had come to do some research and i needed somebody to guide me through Champalas night life. I tolded her i was planning to do a major investment there, probably of club because i hear Ugandans love drinking and climbing one another.

The lady told me that she will be more than happy to show me after work. To me, that was another ordinary lady written in an executive barber to collect money for owner. At exactly 8 my phone started crying with calls.

" Ee Wanjoi, where are you?" I told her the ka pub i was in, mostly frequented by Kenyan pupils and other Kenyans along Kampala street.  In a short while, she came and like a real son of Wanjohi, i pulled a seat for her.  Then when she sit down, i saw her put keys of car on table. At first i thought it was the shop keys.

"What beer is you going to drinking?" I asked.

"I will take Moonberg. Thats a fine German beer and i am not sure if they stock it here" she said.

Inside my heart, i started to think this girl is like Kenyan girls. The ones that take expensive beer when somebody else is boughting the beer and when alone, they take Kenya Kane and such stuff. But when you are boughting, they say "eeh give me Heineken, give me tot of Sambuka, tot of Amarura, give me eh.. "  The waiter said they dont have that Moonberg.  She said she can as well take Nile perch special. She then say she is hungry and wanted something to eat. I ordered for meat. Their meat is not like Kenya, they sell in portion. An equivalent of a 1/4 Kg is more expensive than One kg of goat meat at Jugunas.  I had registered in my mind that she was written there just to take money but it became apparent to me that she indeed owns the business. According to her, she set that up just after University because she wanted to do Masters in English language.

We talked about Uganda life and stuff and when we finish eating  meat, she call waiter and tell waiter to close the bones for her. She telled me that she always carries the bone for her puppy. Immediately she say that, my testicles froze. In my mind, i started to ask who this girl was, a girl that owned a dog? In Kenya, people that have dogs are rich people only. I hear it is so expensive to maintain a dog, a dog eat 2k per day. How true that is, only Wazungus and rich fella knows. She then suggested we shift to places with more life, in area called Kabaragara.  I told her its ok, we will take Taxi. She telled me she has her car with her, no need to take taxi and my testicles freezed further.

I then telled myself that maybe she borrow car to show me around and when we enter her car, a Toyota Ipsum, 2007 model, i telled her she has a nice car. She told me that that one belonged to her mum, she doent drive Japan cars, she only drives German cars. Now my testicles now froze like Arsenal fans, completely.  All my miborowing words vanished in air.

I cant remember which club we wented but in that club, her German beer brand,  Moonberg was available. When bill came, i saw it was even cheaper than Tusker there.  After several drinks, the beer in me started talking and i borrowed. She said she cant give me on one day but agreed to drop me in my guest house. She telled me she like my english because it is so straight, not like other people that go there to buy clothes to sell.

The lady dropped me at my guest house. I dont know what i told her but she needed to see that guest house inside how it look. Once in room, I behaved like a good boy that i am. She pulled a seat and we talked and talked, but majority story of giants. One thing led to another and i found myself doing something my grandpa said it is illegal in our language, sucking her tiita. In my life, i have never seen such a big tiita. I can only compare it to another girl i ate in Kigali. So big that when i put in my mouth, if fulls in the mouth.

I sucked and sucked the tiita until she say mbu. She then say i put makobosto on to climb her. I climbed and climbed my stylos and all of a sudden, i feel warmth of water splash all over me. Alot of water many than urinal but not smell. I had been splashed before in Rwanda, so i knew that was not urinal. When  i was first splashed in Rwanda, it disturb me why a girl can urinate while being climbed. I did know what sort of an insult was that until i googled and saw that that is called squirting. If you have no google on your computer, send me an email and for more explanation. However, if you dont want those waters, like i learned in Rwanda (In Rwanda, when i speak Engish, you would think i am European. You would fall down and die if you hear them speak english. Ask Wahome of Carwash.) you tell the lady "na mimi sitaki maji maji rebellion". She will control herself and not splash you with water.

Although i dont like women that squirt, i hear that they squirt for feeling mzuri excess. Inside my heart, i knew that i had made one Uganda woman very happy. Because the bed became very very wet, she said i should accompany her to her house  and sleep over. I first refused refused, you that refusing of beating oneself, and when she telled me her mum is out of country and she is only alone and houseboy and gate man, i agreed.  I have never been to such a home in this country but i did not fear.  I climbed her two more times in one night, although i tell her not to splash me with water again.  She only splashed me during the morning glory session.

Tomorrow when i wake up and i am sober, i tried to think if was dreaming or what. Tomorrow of that day, she wanted more action but i refused. In my mind, i was knowing for true, she give me because i tell her my father is headmaster of university. I had also tolded her that i have travel all over the world, even Dubai and Hongkong. I tell her i dont sleep in Chung King mansion where Africans sleep in Hongkong. I tell her I know even Guanzhou, Tianshu Tasha and many other places. But if only she know that i googled to get those names, she would have called those soldiers that spray Bisige with pepper soup in eyes to do the same thing to me. I have never gonned back but if i happen to go back, i dont think i will climb her again. I might go and forget who my father is. But my clever lies led me to eating something yummy and special.

When it come to eating people, i want people that eat themselves, people i can order around. Somebody i can give 1k and she see like its one million.  I hate the idea of eating somebody i am fearing or i can respect because they have many money or influence.

(By the way, I had tolded you that it was guaranteed that Man u were to climb the sugar mamas. Kwanza the first joti ni ya 30 seconds, bila makobosto. The Chicha fella must have read this blog because i said before, if you see a girl can refuse refuse, pour very fast so that if she refuse in the middle, you will be okey yourself. No wonder he poured that fast. Wale Ex supporters was Arsenal (naskia ni kuhama) tunaomba >>>> mungu awaonekanie. Poleni but next season ni season bado)